Words

Words

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The End Of An Era


I am no longer a newbie to the Pacific Northwest. As of this month, I have lived here 5 years. I love living here as much as I did the first time I set foot in this beautiful place. Each time I hop in my car to run an errand, I still notice the beauty that surrounds me. Just the other day, I drove home with the Olympics to my right, the Cascades to my left, and Mt. Rainer boldly, majestically lying south of me. I love the changing of the leaves as they fall from the trees, with their spicy reds and brilliant yellows. Even the rain, the endless sometimes what feels like countless hours of rain, I love it as well. I think it has helped wash all the years of hurt and doubt away and left me feeling whole and confident again. Living here has allowed me the grace to love my life, to love myself, and to just be. So, I no longer feel like a newbie to this gracious part of the world.

Another era has ended as well. That is the era of April and I. We are no longer in a relationship. While it is fresh and I have all kinds of feelings I haven't quite sorted through, I know it is the right thing. I am not alone. I am not afraid. In fact, I feel less stress today than I have in months.
While my heart feels the pain of the bitter sweetness in life, it also is sure. Completely. Confidently sure. I do not doubt myself and my decision.

People, being so, are circling the wagons. Some have extended a kind and non-judgmental hand, and others quick to hurt and hurl accusations they have no true knowledge of. I can live with that.

And today, despite the sorrow for the hurt I've caused and the worry I have over another's well being, I have a smile on my face, and deep lingering sureness and happiness in my heart.

I will be moving this blog and changing the title. I will post the link here when it is completed and ready to be read.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Love and Loss

I loved my friend Susan. We were always a great sounding board for one another. She really was one of my soul-mate friends here on earth. Always willing to listen, not judge, always willing to share her life with me, even when it felt vulnerable and risky. She told me her truth. We laughed. We cried. We guffawed. She knew me, truly and I knew her. And we still liked one another.
I think for the first time in my life, I know what it means to grieve. I am both surprised and astounded by it at the same instant, because really I am okay with dying. I have no fear. There cannot be anywhere in the existence of the universe I believe that is harder than the days on this earth can be occasionally. But, loss I am finding is harder to live with.

I find myself with a different outlook lately. Trying not to worry about silly things, because at least I am still here and have choices to make. I found myself standing in front of the mirror one day last month, the blow dryer completely kaput and I thought, "Who cares?" If you know me, hair is a silly big deal. A bad hair day can be just that, a bad hair day where I just feel ugly and grumpy all day. But Susan's death, I find, has changed me. I laughed at the absurdity of feeling upset and thought to myself, "Well, it's only one day, who cares. I can go to work like this." I just laughed it off, and continued to laugh even my boss chose to tease me about my look. I find myself with a new perspective about things. Some are big and huge and life altering and some are simple and easy and make me laugh about all the things I wasted time worrying about.

I miss you Susan, at the oddest times. But I find you are there to remind me of who I know myself to be and I am so thankful to be able to still hear your voice.


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Gone but Not Forgotten

Trust me when I say that. I have missed blogging. There is much on my mind, as always to share but taking these two classes with all their little intricacies has taken up so much of my time. I will be DONE with them on December 9th and I will be back here.

I am thinking it may be even time for a new blog, since I am no longer a Newbie to the Northwest. I still love it here! I think 5 years is long enough time to qualify as not being a Newbie! How about you?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Can't Change My Mind


but maybe I can change my outside and my inside will follow.

When I was young, I dieted. I have not dieted for years. It seems like any bit ahead I get, is just that, only a bit. The pounds like to hang on now like a drowning man clinging to his life vest. They just won't let go, so I have just given up trying. But, I feel yuckie.

I look around and see so many obese and fat people I can't stand it. It seems to be getting worse and worse. Scooter people everywhere, no I should clarify, FAT scooter people everywhere. Even though I am one of them, I think it is disgusting. A fatty who is fat prejudiced, yep, that is me.

I feel like I am getting fatter, fatter, and fatter. My enegry levels are at an all time low. I have no desire to dress up, look nice, or shop for cute clothes because I feel like everything looks bad on me. Why wouldn't it? If I was a 6 foot tall woman, I'd be the appropriate height and weight.

Now, logically all this talk of eating fruits and veggies makes total sense to me. We are, after all, what we eat. It's not rocket science people. Plants help us balance out our hormones, provide us with nutrients from the sunshine they use to grow, and filter the garbage out of us. Even the ingredients that are found in the drugs that are pushed whole heartily by drug manufactures come from the rain forest - most pills were originally some sort of natural medicine found in nature. It is the thing that cures us. But if we are not eating any of it, how is the body supposed to repair itself? Stay at its natural weight? If we just live off processed foods, meats, and fats how we will ever manage to be healthy. Besides, I am convinced those are addicting. Once I start eating sugar, I crave it everyday and just want more. It's like a thought that continuously resides at the back of my brain. I don't even like chocolate or fast food that much anymore, but it stills calls to me if I give into it.

The last time I lost a significant amount of weight was about 12 years ago. I started two years before I was married. I worked my ass off and was hungry for about 6 months. I eventually felt great and looked good. (I will try to find a pic from this time and scan it. I wonder if you will recognize me.) I still did not manage to loose as much as I would have liked but I was happy. Obviously, I didn't maintain that or I wouldn't be sitting here thinking about how to change.

I am a firm believer in the fact that it is never too late to change or start over again. Never, ever, ever, unless you are dead of course. Last time I checked waking up each day, doing what needs to be done, living, and working don't qualify as dead! So, I am thinking of a new approach.

Stop trying to change my mind, my thoughts, my inner voice, and just start trying to change the outside. Maybe the inside of me will catch up to the outside of me since the other way around has never worked long term.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Sleepless in Seattle


I should say sleepless in Seattle and California. I think I've had about 13 hours of sleep since last Friday night. Somehow, I still managed to function. To look decent. To be kind. To get myself in the car, in a taxi, on a plane, landed, picked up, to the memorial service, to my cousins house for family gathering, back to my Aunt's house, more talking, shower, try to fall asleep (ha! trying is the major word here), back up at 8am (egads, my body is in shock from the early morning) for breakfast with the family, back to Auntie's house, experiencing the strangest family time together I ever have, to a piano ~ violin recital thanks to Ms. Judy in Seal Beach, back to Torrance, to Fish Bonz for dinner, for a walk around the park with Patty and Auntie, back to her house, more yakking until midnight and up at 4:20am to catch a 7am flight home, wake up, get dressed, don't fall over from tiredness, take previously packed bag out to entry door, meet mom for ride to airport, board, fly home, get taxi, get car, drive home, arrive, greet bird and kitties, strip down fall into bed for a good 2 hour nap, wake up to alarm, get ready, apologize to glaring kitty for leaving again so soon, go to work, deal with crazy shit at work, get back in car, arrive home, rinse off huge decorations left all over new paint job by overgrown bird that sat above my car (seagull bird shit, in other words), water potted plants, lie on floor to love on forgiving kitties, catch up on computer fav's, and now here I am. It's almost midnight. Somehow I think my sleepless phase will have ended. Amen.

p.s. This post made me realize why I feel a bit exhausted! How do people who travel for work everyday do it???

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Emotional Tsunami, Well Sort Of


Actually, I might be better off having a good hard cry and walking around miserable for a few days than the emotional abyss I have been experiencing. It seems the death of my friend Susan has started some underground sub-current in my soul. Everywhere but in my relationship feels off and almost somewhat pointless currently.

Susan passed away on August 5, quickly and unexpectedly. I want to say she was 55 but I'm sure I am off with that number. (A quick look to verify and Susan lived to be a mere 58) But damn it, she was young. Too young to leave. Too many responsibilities left to tend to and a Granddaughter to finish raising. A retirement she earned that will never be enjoyed. It leaves me heartbroken, it leaves me angry. It is just not fair. I almost wish I'd been there by her side because seeing her at the end would of let me know if she was ready, if she found acceptance, or if she, like most of her life fought to make ground and move ahead and just keep at it. She was good like that. It was how she accomplished so much despite her health issues. Despite her broken hearts. Despite her disappointments. She did not give in or give up.

She lived her passion. Susan's passion was dance. Modern dance. Even after she was thrown through a plate glass window in New York one summer's day she somehow managed to recover and dance again. This was no easy feat, both her legs were nearly severed behind and below each knee. She had to redefine herself. Her body was a dancers. She had to look at the possibility that was no longer true and found a way to make it still so. Of course she had her limitations, but she could still amaze an audience. She could still choreograph. She still taught her heart out.

While I digress, more into Susan's life I realize that this post is about my malaise. Because, I am not living my passion. Not only that, the mere thought of being plucked from my life with only several days notice pisses me off silly. This is it? This is all there would be? Really, are you kidding me? I want more. I want so much more. It's not about the stuff, it's about being authentic. It's about friends. It's about family. It's about wonder. Travel, experience, meaning, love, joy, acceptance, expression, being excited to wake up to another day. There is so much more of those things I long for in my life. I think Susan's sudden departure has hit me smack dab in the middle of my third eye and like a pesky fly won't leave me be. But that is not a bad thing.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Dinner with Mom



Mom and I had dinner at a wonder place called Tutta Bella in Belltown. She is in town for a week and half. We managed to kick off our first meal together in the sunshine and enjoying a very delicious, fresh, and tasty salad, bruchetta (above!), and amazing pizza with eggplant and roasted red peppers. It's not often we get to sit and just talk and enjoy. It was perfect!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Biased or Bi-esed?


Who knows. So if you read my blog you either know me (thanks to my friends and family for hanging in there) or have read far enough back to know that I was previously married and before I met April. Yes, I am what some have call a, "switcher", "flipper", or whatever witty word you want to apply to stereotype me with for changing lifestyles. But here's the rub, I still know a handsome man when I see one. I still find men attractive. There is no explanation for this, it just is.

I don't worry about this too much by trying to put a title to it or name on it or make it mean anything. I love who I love, today. I am happier than I've ever been, more understood, more fulfilled, I have more of everything in my heart and life than I've ever had before but...people ask funny questions of me. Scrunch their eyebrows up when I notice beautiful men or darling young boys. It cracks me up, who cares a thing of beauty is still a thing of beauty.

Last night the restaurant had more than several of them. The two I had the pleasure of meeting were just perfect. The first one I got acquainted with was celebrating his 50th birthday. He looked amazing for 50, as well as his spouse. I made sure to go up and wish him a happy one. We laughed about the oddity of age and how it just didn't feel even possible to arrive at that number. Since I am quickly slididng into that year next, I find comfort in others who are just as boggled as I am by the fact I, "me," could possibly be that frickin' age! He, for certain, was in my club. I don't care who you are, but having someone wish you a happy birthday and telling you are extremely handsome and how happy you look feels good. We might not sing happy birthday but trust me when I say he left feeling like someone sang to him. And why not? Kind words genuinely felt and stated aloud are a wonderful thing to share, especially with those of us who are getting older!

Okay, and this pic of a young Paul Newman, come on'. Who does not see the beauty in the man? And I don't usually look twice at blonds, but as an old friend would say, "bubba, bubba!"




Moved In but Not Settled Yet!


That's why you haven't seen me. I feel like I've got a case of terminal tiredness.

This is the shower curtain I found for the bath. Love it! It makes me happy to look at just like the yellow funky liner I put in the drawers in that same room. I'm such a geek for anything that makes me smile and proud of it!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Rest (Not In Peace!)


Yesterday I thought I was getting the flu. My body ached. My head throbbed. All my body wanted to do is sleep.

Who could blame it? I've been pushing myself for the past ten weeks like crazy. Grand opening at Scuttlebutt, Mircobiology, and now another new restaurant with another new grand re-opening. Not to mention a entire wine list, drink list, and menu that is insane!

But truly, I felt like if I did not slow down I might be slowed for good. So I let myself sleep in this morning until 9:00 am. I am not looking at one word of Micro unless I can't sleep when I get home tonight. I've cruised my favorite blogs. I've got HGTV on in the background. I refuse to make myself focus. Okay, so I will keep reviewing the drink list and menu, but that is not like learning something brain defying.

I just realized if I keep pushing, there will be nothing left to push. So I sit here in my PJ's still, hair straight up in the air. Yes, it is sunny outside but I just need to veg. Maybe I will go sit on the back patio in a bit. I don't know. I just need a day without an agenda. Work at 4:30pm will be here soon enough.

Then 5 days of pure madness studying for my final and writing the extended lab paper that is due. I know it will go by faster than I can imagine!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Randomness Reminds


Wow. Life can be so random.

I went into work on Wednesday afternoon looking for my bud, Sarah. I didn't see her truck in the parking lot, I didn't see her sweet face welcoming me to my shift. What I did find is someone who was there to work for her. What the heck? As soon as I asked him why, he told me.

"She is in California, with her sister," he said.

"Yeah, what why is she with Amanda," I asked because I knew she had just been there on vacation just a few weeks back.

"Oh, you didn't hear," he replied.

Then he told me the story. It is so bloody sad, and completely unnecessary and yet it happened. Two days ago, her brother-in-law passed away, two days before that he was "car surfing," and fell off his long board. Only problem is when he fell, he was not wearing a helmet. His head hit the pavement. End of story. Lights out. Done. Gone. Forever.

It's hard to think of the fact that he was an organ donor as a positive thing. He has changed the lives of many people and I'm certain those who have received his gifts look at it that way.

The guy is only 35 with a wife (Sarah's sister) and young daughter. He was professionally successful. He took good care of himself. Worked-out. I'm sure he thought something like this would never happen to him. How could he of, if he'd thought it through and could see what could happen I know he would have never done it.

I'm shocked at all the horrid people who feel free to make wildly inappropriate comments about this accident on-line. I'm shocked at the judgement. I know I am not the only one who has done some really dumb things and lived to tell.

For me, this serves as another reminder to enjoy each day. Look around, find something good. Something beautiful. Refrain from regret, anger, and resentment. Love the little things, love the big things, and one another. Because be it of freak randomness or many years well lived, we all leave this earth the same way.

Guilt

I hate it. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for saying, "no thanks," because I just don't want to go out drinkin' tonight.

I feel guilty for somethings I can't explain here, but will be able to soon.

Guilt feels like a useless emotion, and yet I'm sure it serves some purpose.

Now if you read the definition below;

guilt

[gilt] Show IPA
–noun
1.
the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime,violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law;culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2.
a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense,crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3.
conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs,etc.: to live a life of guilt.


I find it funny that I feel this way, because I've committed no crime. Yes, I may have been found offensive by turning down an invitation.Ick. But it's probably true. But do I think of it as a moral dilemma, no not really, how about an energy dilemma? Yep. Do I now feel remorseful, yes. I miss my friends. I am so glad they still text or call to even ask me out! I'm sure they think I never have any fun.

But it's there. Guilt. It is one of those things I need to let go of as part of my no-more-beating-me-up-anymore plan. I realize it is about time I become my own biggest fan, not anyone elses job, really. I just know how hard I am on myself. How about you?

I think it's time to let that go, because truly I've done nothing wrong. What I am guilty of is trying to take care of myself, and I can live with that.




Wednesday, May 25, 2011

This Woman's Voice

is my favorite right now. She is so soulful.

Focus, Focus, Focus


I am having such a hard time buckling down and not being distracted. And no, I don't want to take adderal to handle this issue.

There is only 2 weeks left of class and I have an unbelievable amount of work to do. In fact I don't have any idea how it will physically all be able to be completed, but I know I will.

So, with that I guess I turn off the Law and Order reruns that are keeping me company and finish another chapters worth of work. Sigh.

I. Am. The. Little. Engine. That. Could. That has, that did, and will continue to do so.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Crossing My Fingers, Saying My Prayers

Please, please, please let me be the instigator of big changes this week. Oh and I'd like a little help from the universe who has usually taken care of me quite nicely. Prayers welcome and appreciated.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Are you still here?


Oh good, I'm not alone.

Nice to see that just because you make a crazy declaration and it's published everywhere you look it does not necessarily mean it's true. Really???? Who knew????? Imagine that!

Oh, and what does good old Harold have to say for himself (and the second coming) today, as of 10pm???

This inquiring mind could care less what he has to say, just sayin'.

Stillness


Do you know that feeling, of feeling rushed all the time?

In the back of my head are the four chapters I need to read, understand, and know by June 8th. The project I have due that I still have mounds to do to complete. The two quizzes on Tuesday. The two labs I need to write for the same night. Oh yeah and the interview I want so badly to go my way on top of ..the laundry, the dishes, the groceries, the cat food I need to buy, the shoes I need to return...do you know this devil of which I speak??? Oh my. The strange thing is, I often find instead of fueling me to keep going and move ahead, I find myself immobilized by all of this. Not a place I can allow myself to hang out, not a good place to even think of going to, but here I am. Yikes.

In some attempt at stillness, I made myself go to bed at 10pm last night. I never do that, and yes I actually fell asleep because I was tired. I know meditation would have been better, but the under side of my eyelids looked wonderful. Ha.

I think I need to get up, go change for work, head over to school and just work on my homework until I it's time to head out. That is the best discipline I have for today. Besides, at least at school will be minus the squawking bird who is determined to aid in helping me loose my mind!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

This week has been


a very suckie week.

I do not like drama. I do not enjoy it. I hate feeling like I'm going to cry. I hate feeling sick to my stomach. I do not want to feel anxiety. I don't like being afraid that I am going to get yelled at or be made a fool of.

I am hating it even more that all my close friends are far away. I am not liking that my family is far from me. That April is far away and attempting to talk on the phone, is just that, an attempt at best.

If I was a drinking girl, I'd be drunk. A drug addict, wasted or high but I am neither of those. I'm attempting not to "eat," over all of this, so it leaves me here.

In search of a voice. In search of the answers. Of how to flip the backwards week around, back to the life I do love. The life I wake up excited about having. The one that puts a smile on my face.

One of my best qualities is to awaken renewed, ready to start again, try again, and not give up. Resiliency could be made middle name.

I finally had a successful Gram Stain at class tonight. It might not mean much to anyone, but it means something to me. It means I can move forward on a project that is difficult and long and I only have two weeks to complete ~ but at least now I know I am headed in the right direction.

That is the same feeling I need to have in my heart again.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Onto Something


Did you ever feel you were so close to something but still couldn't quite see it clearly?

That is where I am at today. I have really been struggling with school, most specifically because it is extremely difficult information (most will say microbiology is). In addition, quarters are only 12 weeks so you have to study all this information at break neck speed. I always end up feeling like I have no life. I don't have time for one if I want to pass these science classes and I hate that!

So, the reason I feel like I'm onto something is that I am wondering if I am going about this all wrong. I am so determined to get an education and real job, it really has taken me away from all the things I love. How will it be when I am actually doing that job? Will I feel the same?

What if I just started allowing myself to write more (as in everyday)? I love to write. I love giving voice to an idea. Expressing what is true for me. Saying something in my own way, with my own twist. What if I started trying to get published like I dream of? Do art. I can't even remember the last time I created anything physically, other than writing.

I just know I feel miserable and am not happy right now, but sadly I am the one who put myself in this position. I am the one who decided to try and get through the classes I so struggle with.

This all started with a women who I follow on Facebook who works with women and food addiction. Her name is Geneen Roth. Funny thing is a dear friend told me about her at least 10 years ago but I think I am finally ready to hear her.

This is the quote that got me thinking;

"Freedom from obsession is not about something you do; it's about knowing who you are. It's about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you can't have it.," Geneen Roth.

Right now, I feel like my work, my studies, everything but my relationship I find, exhausts me.

What to do, what to do.

Monday, May 9, 2011

I understand...


the idea of wanting to "go postal," even though this a relatively old term it is how I feel today. I so badly want to lash out and hurt those who have hurt me with their favoritism and double standards. I have to admit I no longer have it in me to physically kill myself to keep trying to please someone who will never be pleased. Especially when doing so has never helped. It's official, I'm done.

Funny, I have a boundary with people in my personal life that if crossed too often I feel the same way about. I just get to a point where certain things just don't work for me (like someone I befriended who thought it was okay to yell at me) and then I am done. We are done. I knew it in my marriage, there was no counseling, no wishing, no trying again that was ever going to make it better. It was what it was. This is what it is. I. HAVE. HAD. ENOUGH. You don't get to keep trying to make me feel bad, or convince me I am lazy, or no good. I'm none of those things. You will never be able to convince me I am.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happy Mother's Day 2011


For all the mom's and their endless love,
the countless amount of times they washed and folded the same pair of soxs and undies and put them away,
the hours spent making sure we had meals together,
but taking the time to shop for the ingredients, bring them home, unload them, wash them and slice and dice them and then on top of all that cook them up,
the untold minutes spent cleaning,
the trips to the beach,
to the toy store, the shoe store, cheering me on,
for my mom specifically who let me pick out with great care the fabrics of so many of my homemade, beautifully sewn clothes,
the gifts, the cakes, the candles, the sleepless nights you sacrificed to make something come together just for me,
thank you.
I love you. Your sacrifices have not gone unnoticed. They are so appreciated.
You are appreciated.
Thanks Mom.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Negative Vs. Positive


Which is it for you? Are you one of the people who naturally goes for the encouragement, support, high fives you did it crowd? Or are you on the OTHER TEAM, TEAM NEGATIVE?

You cannot imagine how many people whose first natural reaction is to question. To discourage. To ask why, oh why. To knock one down for their efforts. Point out how long it will actually take to do what you want to do (oh, and then continually keep asking, "Are ya done yet?"). Oh, and be so kind as to remind you of your age. Really? Really? Reaaaallllllllllly? Are you reading into this I am reading to start screaming, biting people's heads off, and getting overly defensive, then well you are correct-a-mundo. Oh yes you are.

I don't know why as humans it is easier for us to tear down than build up. Why is it easier to focus on the wrongs instead of rights. We ignore the 20 things about someone that thrill us, and focus on the one thing that drives us crazy. You know it's true. We have all been there. Just because it's true doesn't mean it doesn't suck. It does. It sucks big time.

Believe it or not, one of my personal beliefs is that we are all here to help one another. To make the journey easier, less bumpy, more joyful. Seriously, if we are not here to love and help one another out well then I truly don't why we are here. For me, it just comes down to something as simple as this ~ be kind.

I'm not feeling so kind lately. Work, pressure from a crazy project at school, just life in general but you know what, I'm still a champion for us all at heart. I want to be the one you remember who was in your corner. Who took the time to listen to you. Who told you that you could do it, that something bigger was out there for you than you could possible imagine.

I don't care how old I get, unless I'm dead or want to be a super model, I still believe it is all possible.

Without

While I am thankful that my girl has the opportunity to work again, today I miss her. Talking on the phone is just NOT THE SAME.

And that is all I have to say about that, for today.


p.s. And she took the only consistent cat in the house with her, she should have taken Pidge!!!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Only Time Will Tell


Hmmm, so the restaurant has changed locations.

Basically, everything but the beer is different, and even that has changed since we have the slowest bar tenders in town (today's set anyhow) and only one set of taps. I dunno.

Makes me sad because basically it feels like we have all been replaced by teenage bimbos and Red Robin drones.

It's loud, it's more crowded than ever, there are too many cooks (and yes the broth is spoiled for now), and no one seems too concerned. Consistency is just not there nor the care.

I think I may have worked there when it was at it's best and now the restaurant will go the way of the "Corporate Owned" Applebee's, etc... I'm just waiting to be asked to wear some "flare." That would send me to my knees laughing but honestly, it wouldn't surprise me.

The days of big money seemed to have ended as well.

Trying to be patient. A girl can only be broke for so long. Giving it a month, but going to keep my eyes open and start looking around. Probably about time I do that anyhow.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Hunger


So this thing called perio-menopause or menopause or whatever the heck is going on with my hormones is starting to concern me.

If you are a woman and reading this you will know the hunger of which I speak. Usually the day before my period starts I am hungry. Not just like hungry in between meals, but as in I feel as if I could eat a side a beef with chocolate for dessert. I feel like I just can't get enough to eat, enough to feel full. Satiated.

It is the 12th of the month. I should have started my period around the end of last month. I am not pregnant. Not, not, not. FOR THE THE LAST WEEK AND A HALF I have been hungry like I am the day before my period. I just want to eat. Even when my brain knows my stomach can't possibly be empty my hand still wants to bring food to my mouth. This is awful. It cannot continue. I will become bigger than a house if it does. That is no laughing matter.

I want to know, is this part of the hormonal change or have I just lost my mind. Who do you ask a question like that of???

Monday, April 11, 2011

Something New


I started something new today and I was in training this morning. I didn't exactly feel like I had landed on Mars since the life forms were familiar but it was still all new territory for me.

I thought I would feel nervous but I was wrong. I thought I would be intimidated but I wasn't. I thought I might get lost in the huge building but I didn't. In fact, I felt quite at home in this new universe. That fact surprised me.

My trainer was a gentle old soul with a wiry sense of humor. I followed her all around to learn the ropes, meet the nurses, and figure out where the boards are. Pre-op, post-op, surgery wait, surgery sign out book were some of the places we rolled around too during my four hour tour. Surgeons unknown to me came in and out of surgery wait to speak to families. Some know for the kind manner some known for other manners entirely.

I am a new volunteer in surgery wait. Badge n' all. It even opens up the locked doors, woo-hoo! Sounds simple, but truly I found out there is much more to it than I anticipated. Rooms, stations, patients, hippa, nurses, doctors, families, short stays, up-dates,boards, communication, and more families. Another learning curve, but I am looking forward to this one!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Things That Stick


For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.
There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.
You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it.
And I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.
If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.





This quote is from the end of Benjamin Button. I came home from work and April was watching the film. I remember enjoying it the first time through and sat down to enjoy the last hour of it again. It is such a different way to live life, going from very old to new born. If you have not watched it, that will make no sense at all. I highly suggest take a quiet evening and treat your self to a tale. I love movies with narration and good story telling and this has them both.


I am so thankful that at 49 years old, I can still feel this way (most days!). It reminds me to disregard the naysayers. The people who shake their heads, who tease me, who just don't understand. There are still so many things I want to do, be, accomplish and be astounded by.





Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Officially Older Than...

I care to admit!!! Age is a strange thing. I really never gave it much thought until I actually stopped passing for much younger than I am. That began to happen along side of being in a bad marriage. Funny how stress can effect us in ways we never thought of.

Then there is the sun. I grew up, sun kissed. Sometimes, often times, sun burnt. My little nose burnt and peeling more times than I could possibly recall. I am blessed with a smattering of freckles to prove it. As I've gotten older the residual of sun rays has transformed from freckles to moles and in some cases barnacles! (I swear that's what they look and feel like!)

There are the physical effects of aging, and other than my skin changing I really can't complain too much. I long for knees that don't creak when I walk upstairs but at least they still work and don't hurt. I am still hopeful that someday soon my period will forever cease, won't that be wonderful! An up side to getting older!

And speaking of the upside, there is the obvious I'm still here. Alive. A chance, a million, zillion little chances everyday to live. To do it well. Make a difference. Make someone smile. Make myself smile. Participate. Create. Love. Be. Isn't that what it really comes down to?

The number of years is only a bi product of getting to be in this fabulous universe just one more day. Today I think I'll take the trade.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Birthday Goobers


We celebrated April's 41st birthday yesterday...we headed out to Archie Mcphee yesterday for some laughs and shopping. You know for those very necessary things like Jesus band aids, squirrel underpants, and April's very own toy paparazzi collection. They are mobbing her as I type on her PC. Very funny. Of course, we had to try out the photo booth, Elvis sunglasses and fake cigarette in tow. Whadya' think?

Saturday, February 26, 2011

My other Favorite Blog


The first blog I look at each day is http://elemenop123.blogspot.com/. I just love it. There always words of inspiration and art. Lots and lots and lots of art. Every kind of art you can imagine and some you can't. Like this sculpture made out of books, awesome.

Or funky house sculpture...



Or amazing oil paintings...



Or pictures made from maps, like this one...





Or globes, that make me want to buy them!




Or photographs that inspire me to travel...





This blog is so loved by me because not only is there art that is traditional, there is quirky, unusual, and pieces made of things one would never think could be used as a medium. This blogger is so good that she posts the names of the artist along with their web sites. A great place to go and explore.

On top of all this visual wonderfulness there is a daily quote posted. Words to live by, many of which I've re-posted here because I love them so. I am a die hard for words and art.