The Line

Somewhere, you have to draw a line. A line where you choose between right and wrong. Moral and immoral. Good and evil. Accepting or judgmental. Standing up or falling down. Respect for privacy or public knowledge.

Dharum Ravi and Molly Wei made a choice, and as far as I am concerned and they crossed that line from decent to indecent. They crossed that line in a very big way. They not only crossed it but they did it in roaring fashion, rubber burning, dirt flying, cars like streaks blazing by in a fury. Only the fury they caused broke someone. It broke him so big and wide, he couldn't see any possibility of a life because of it. This story breaks my heart as well. You can read about it here.

When will people learn we are all made out of flesh and bone, want and desire, and the need for love? When will people learn to be respectful of all others despite our supposed differences? You know I always joke that I don't care if you are fucking a goat, as long as you and the goat are happy. That said, what I mean is that if there are two consenting adults what you do behind closed doors is no one's business. Truly, that is what I believe. I don't care what the Bible says. I don't care what you believe it says, or any other manifesto you subscribe to for your life (or after life) guideposts. All I ask is that just like I do for you, you do for me. I respect that fact that we are all entitled to our own opinion. It does not make you wrong in my eyes, just different. What you think of me, is really none of my business. I try to live my life in with that in mind.

All this said, it makes me so sad that these two people took it upon themselves to post a video so personal and intimate. If it was a straight couple, I'd be just a angered. Words like personal and private scream out in my head. Forget trust and consideration, after all school's only been in session for a few months so I'm betting that no bond was formed between the men as roommates. At least I hope not, if so that must have felt like an even bigger betrayal.

I can only imagine the pain Tyler Clementi must have felt. It must have been total and complete with no sign of relief or end in site. Sadly, this is the only thing I can assume since he will never be here to comfort. Never be here to ask. Never be able to hear the words from his family that they love him. Accept him.

There is talk of treating this as a hate crime. This is a tough one for me, since the longest sentence allowed is 10 years. When it comes to punishing Ravi and Wei I am perplexed. How do you deliver justice, when nothing will bring back this boy's life. He was 18. Only 18 years old. How many years of a life did Tyler miss out on? Would he have lived to a ripe old age, was he a risk taker, does illness run in his family? I wish we could sentence them for unknown amount of years that Tyler would have lived. Extremely harsh, I know.

In essence, I realize that they did not literally kill Tyler. But words once spoken can never be unheard again and video once put on the Internet can never been unseen again. It will be out there for all eternity. This is the greater crime in my eyes. What they did can never be undone, how do you punish someone for that? Is there a sentence that would be fitting? In a way, at least three lives could be forever changed because of their actions. I don't think they ever intended those to be their own.

Witness to Happiness

Homesick. I got so home sick the other day watching this family celebrate birthday's together. They were a big group, mostly sisters and one brother 8 of them total I think. Since they live all over the united states when they all get together they celebrate one another's birthdays.

There was laughter, lots and lots of laughter. Funny cards. A typed up poem on a special piece of paper for each one of them. I don't know what it said but I overheard one of them say it it made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

This family celebration made me miss my family, so much. All the lunches with my Mom, Auntie, and cousins where we caught up over a meal. Where the laughter was easy and always present. The holiday celebrations where the meal was ever delicious and the one thing you could count on was kids everywhere. Kids who grew, and grew, and grew so tall that any hope of me not being the shortest one in the family died. Weddings with smiles and tears and beautiful brides and happy grooms. Cute flower girls and nervous ring bearers that made each ceremony complete. Baby showers. Cousin parties. Even funerals, at least we had one another for comfort.

I miss them. The loudness. The insanity. The thoughtful presents. The smiles. The hugs. And most of all the laughter, I miss hearing their laughter as it crested over the room down the hallways and back into my heart.

Compilation, or Where Did My Summer Go?

So, if you've checked in to read my blog you've noticed I really haven't posted much this last 3 months. I really intended to but first, being out of school was such a relief I was off the computer more (I wanted to have a life and be involved, not head buried!); second, I have been working more this summer and we were busy (not much has changed there-still the bosses favorite whipping girl), and lastly we have had visitors for about a month solid. While it is fun, I wish the visits were spaced apart so we could enjoy them more and each other in between! Who knows, with the negative post I put on Facebook about Fox News and Glen Beck, my father-in-law swears he won't be back. I can only hope he was kidding. I'll just say, I'm glad I have no addiction to any news channel no matter how biased or unbiased it may be. I find the constant news on the TV to be exhausting.

This summer left me with a Christmas wish list of sorts, it is as follows;

I pray that as time passes I can continue to grow as a person. Try new things. Stay away from eating the things I know will trigger my stomach like an inner tsunami. That when telling a story the time and day of week things happened are not relevant to it's "just". That while my muscles still move correctly, I exercise them enough to keep them moving that way. That I remain capable of cultivating conversation with those I love, those whose opinion is completely opposite to mine, and new friends for a very long time. That even though I am older, I remain open and playful. That my face adopts a permanent semi-welcoming smile so I am approachable. And lastly, that I always have enough resources to color my hair. A vain but simple wish, really.

Oh, and very, very lastly there's no friends, like your old friends. Thanks to Lisa Crisp-Koehler for making sure we got to spend time together while she was here!

Changing Values

After my horrible marriage, where I tried to create what I thought I wanted, I made a startling discovery-the things I thought were important to me are not. Not so much at all. The perfectly quaffed living room. Curtains. Rugs. Probably the only things the only thing I'm still unable to resist are art or things that make me smile. Luckily, April agrees.

You know the feeling and the presence of which I speak, "Hi, welcome to my beautiful home..." Like my Dad's house. It is beautiful, no doubt, but other than the back family room and the kitchen I feel like I can't move or breathe in it. Not that it's too much or too showy, it just isn't me anymore. I don't covet perfection, I covet enjoyment. I covet comfort. I want you too feel at home in my house. I will never forget one of my overnight stays there, in the guest bedroom with all white sheets, all white towels in the bathroom, even the palest of carpet on the floor. Can you guess what time of the month it was for me? Like the worst of the 5 days and not a "safe" thing to use or sleep on in sight. I barely slept for fear of causing ruin. While it's beautiful, it's just simply too much for me.

I don't spend much time shopping. I guess the cost of an education has become more important than a new seasonal wardrobe. Recently, my sister-in-law asked me how my place is decorated. I laughed. My first thought is with love. There is no shabby chic or modern or theme. It's just a big ol' comfy couch, a few comfy chairs, and a flat screen. Yes, we do like the newer things, I'm just not so willing to go into hock for them anymore. After three years together, April and I just bought a new comforter and sheet set. It took that long for it to become something that was important, and mostly that was because one of us likes to sleep wrapped up like a burrito (king size makes that issue disappear!). While I like it, it doesn't make me swoon. It's just something that is.

I think the other reason I've changed my ways of thinking about new things is this: they only stay new for a very short time. In my married life, two days after the delivery of a beautiful new dining room table, I happened to spy one of the cats on top of it. This was not good but what followed was worse. As Moe started to slip to the side, she dug in her claws and slid all the way off of the perfect new wood. She slid from the center I might add, leaving a very deep set of cat claw marks across it. Sigh...so much for new. It was ours for ever after that.

Someday, when I'm done with paying for an education maybe shopping will once again fun. The catalogs will arrive and I will order five of something I like just because I can. I will see a funky $700 chair that goes perfectly with the lamp next to it and bring it home. But for now, I'm fine with my new values. Happy certainly looks better on me than a cool looking living room ever did.

A Surprise to His Wife

Faking this injury eventually back fired, but he swore he had a groin injury. Joe had convinced the massage therapists I worked for he had a badly pulled groin. According to him he received this painful injury while playing baseball.

He would come in for massage therapy, usually once a week. He was a client of the twin sisters that owned the business, thankfully. Only, every now then they would both be on vacation - leaving one of the other "team" to end up having to work on Joe. Ugh.

I will never forget having to massage this man. Let's just say that it was probably one of the most awkward situations I've experienced. Now, I know how painful a real groin pull can be, and trust me when I tell you I was in no way convinced this man was in any pain. If anything, by all appearances appeared to be completely enjoying the experience. If ya know what I mean! How embarrassing, not only was he at full mast, but there I am as a therapist have to work around it. Literally! It was just ridiculous. Thank goodness he was not my regular client, I would never had had the patience nor the trust.

Joe came in for regular massages the entire time I was employed at the health club, it had to have been at least several years he was receiving this special attention. Unfortunately for him, he ran into one of the "team" members while on vacation with his wife in Las Vegas. They said hello and made small talk until Tone asked the million dollar question of him: "So how is that groin injury you had worked on? Are you finally recovered and doing better?"

I can only imagine the look on his face. I can only imagine the look on his wifes face!

Apparently, when this question hit the air she hit him with, "What groin injury?"

He then mumbled something to my coworker and they made a quick departure. Tone said it was pretty funny, he had been just as suspect of Joe as myself.

I knew it! I knew it! I just about died laughing when I heard this story because I never did believe he was injured, just a big ol' pervert. Now, not only was he just a big perv, but his wife knew as well! I imagine this was his most memorable trip to Vegas, ever.

The Perfect Day

You know the kind of day I mean, when the sky is bluer than you can recall ever seeing, ever. Little tiny bright white puffy clouds that look like cotton balls littered all over the horizon. The enormity of it just endless.

I wonder why it is that this kind of day makes anything feels possible. Even the next two years, even endless hours of studying, and hours of sacrifice that you pray will pay off. Because of days like today, and messages from good friends who believe in me somehow I know I will make it through. Thanks.