Can't Change My Mind

but maybe I can change my outside and my inside will follow.

When I was young, I dieted. I have not dieted for years. It seems like any bit ahead I get, is just that, only a bit. The pounds like to hang on now like a drowning man clinging to his life vest. They just won't let go, so I have just given up trying. But, I feel yuckie.

I look around and see so many obese and fat people I can't stand it. It seems to be getting worse and worse. Scooter people everywhere, no I should clarify, FAT scooter people everywhere. Even though I am one of them, I think it is disgusting. A fatty who is fat prejudiced, yep, that is me.

I feel like I am getting fatter, fatter, and fatter. My enegry levels are at an all time low. I have no desire to dress up, look nice, or shop for cute clothes because I feel like everything looks bad on me. Why wouldn't it? If I was a 6 foot tall woman, I'd be the appropriate height and weight.

Now, logically all this talk of eating fruits and veggies makes total sense to me. We are, after all, what we eat. It's not rocket science people. Plants help us balance out our hormones, provide us with nutrients from the sunshine they use to grow, and filter the garbage out of us. Even the ingredients that are found in the drugs that are pushed whole heartily by drug manufactures come from the rain forest - most pills were originally some sort of natural medicine found in nature. It is the thing that cures us. But if we are not eating any of it, how is the body supposed to repair itself? Stay at its natural weight? If we just live off processed foods, meats, and fats how we will ever manage to be healthy. Besides, I am convinced those are addicting. Once I start eating sugar, I crave it everyday and just want more. It's like a thought that continuously resides at the back of my brain. I don't even like chocolate or fast food that much anymore, but it stills calls to me if I give into it.

The last time I lost a significant amount of weight was about 12 years ago. I started two years before I was married. I worked my ass off and was hungry for about 6 months. I eventually felt great and looked good. (I will try to find a pic from this time and scan it. I wonder if you will recognize me.) I still did not manage to loose as much as I would have liked but I was happy. Obviously, I didn't maintain that or I wouldn't be sitting here thinking about how to change.

I am a firm believer in the fact that it is never too late to change or start over again. Never, ever, ever, unless you are dead of course. Last time I checked waking up each day, doing what needs to be done, living, and working don't qualify as dead! So, I am thinking of a new approach.

Stop trying to change my mind, my thoughts, my inner voice, and just start trying to change the outside. Maybe the inside of me will catch up to the outside of me since the other way around has never worked long term.