The End Of An Era

I am no longer a newbie to the Pacific Northwest. As of this month, I have lived here 5 years. I love living here as much as I did the first time I set foot in this beautiful place. Each time I hop in my car to run an errand, I still notice the beauty that surrounds me. Just the other day, I drove home with the Olympics to my right, the Cascades to my left, and Mt. Rainer boldly, majestically lying south of me. I love the changing of the leaves as they fall from the trees, with their spicy reds and brilliant yellows. Even the rain, the endless sometimes what feels like countless hours of rain, I love it as well. I think it has helped wash all the years of hurt and doubt away and left me feeling whole and confident again. Living here has allowed me the grace to love my life, to love myself, and to just be. So, I no longer feel like a newbie to this gracious part of the world.

Another era has ended as well. That is the era of April and I. We are no longer in a relationship. While it is fresh and I have all kinds of feelings I haven't quite sorted through, I know it is the right thing. I am not alone. I am not afraid. In fact, I feel less stress today than I have in months.

While my heart feels the pain of the bitter sweetness in life, it also is sure. Completely. Confidently sure. I do not doubt myself and my decision.

People, being so, are circling the wagons. Some have extended a kind and non-judgmental hand, and others quick to hurt and hurl accusations they have no true knowledge of. I can live with that.

And today, despite the sorrow for the hurt I've caused and the worry I have over another's well being, I have a smile on my face, and deep lingering sureness and happiness in my heart.

I will be moving this blog and changing the title. I will post the link here when it is completed and ready to be read.

Love and Loss

I loved my friend Susan. We were always a great sounding board for one another. She really was one of my soul-mate friends here on earth. Always willing to listen, not judge, always willing to share her life with me, even when it felt vulnerable and risky. She told me her truth. We laughed. We cried. We guffawed. She knew me, truly and I knew her. And we still liked one another.

I think for the first time in my life, I know what it means to grieve. I am both surprised and astounded by it at the same instant, because really I am okay with dying. I have no fear. There cannot be anywhere in the existence of the universe I believe that is harder than the days on this earth can be occasionally. But, loss I am finding is harder to live with.

I find myself with a different outlook lately. Trying not to worry about silly things, because at least I am still here and have choices to make. I found myself standing in front of the mirror one day last month, the blow dryer completely kaput and I thought, "Who cares?" If you know me, hair is a silly big deal. A bad hair day can be just that, a bad hair day where I just feel ugly and grumpy all day. But Susan's death, I find, has changed me. I laughed at the absurdity of feeling upset and thought to myself, "Well, it's only one day, who cares. I can go to work like this." I just laughed it off, and continued to laugh even my boss chose to tease me about my look. I find myself with a new perspective about things. Some are big and huge and life altering and some are simple and easy and make me laugh about all the things I wasted time worrying about.

I miss you Susan, at the oddest times. But I find you are there to remind me of who I know myself to be and I am so thankful to be able to still hear your voice.

Gone but Not Forgotten

Trust me when I say that. I have missed blogging. There is much on my mind, as always to share but taking these two classes with all their little intricacies has taken up so much of my time. I will be DONE with them on December 9th and I will be back here.

I am thinking it may be even time for a new blog, since I am no longer a Newbie to the Northwest. I still love it here! I think 5 years is long enough time to qualify as not being a Newbie! How about you?