Thursday, May 26, 2011

Randomness Reminds

Wow. Life can be so random.

I went into work on Wednesday afternoon looking for my bud, Sarah. I didn't see her truck in the parking lot, I didn't see her sweet face welcoming me to my shift. What I did find is someone who was there to work for her. What the heck? As soon as I asked him why, he told me.

"She is in California, with her sister," he said.

"Yeah, what why is she with Amanda," I asked because I knew she had just been there on vacation just a few weeks back.

"Oh, you didn't hear," he replied.

Then he told me the story. It is so bloody sad, and completely unnecessary and yet it happened. Two days ago, her brother-in-law passed away, two days before that he was "car surfing," and fell off his long board. Only problem is when he fell, he was not wearing a helmet. His head hit the pavement. End of story. Lights out. Done. Gone. Forever.

It's hard to think of the fact that he was an organ donor as a positive thing. He has changed the lives of many people and I'm certain those who have received his gifts look at it that way.

The guy is only 35 with a wife (Sarah's sister) and young daughter. He was professionally successful. He took good care of himself. Worked-out. I'm sure he thought something like this would never happen to him. How could he of, if he'd thought it through and could see what could happen I know he would have never done it.

I'm shocked at all the horrid people who feel free to make wildly inappropriate comments about this accident on-line. I'm shocked at the judgement. I know I am not the only one who has done some really dumb things and lived to tell.

For me, this serves as another reminder to enjoy each day. Look around, find something good. Something beautiful. Refrain from regret, anger, and resentment. Love the little things, love the big things, and one another. Because be it of freak randomness or many years well lived, we all leave this earth the same way.


I hate it. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for saying, "no thanks," because I just don't want to go out drinkin' tonight.

I feel guilty for somethings I can't explain here, but will be able to soon.

Guilt feels like a useless emotion, and yet I'm sure it serves some purpose.

Now if you read the definition below;


[gilt] Show IPA
the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime,violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law;culpability: He admitted his guilt.
a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense,crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs,etc.: to live a life of guilt.

I find it funny that I feel this way, because I've committed no crime. Yes, I may have been found offensive by turning down an invitation.Ick. But it's probably true. But do I think of it as a moral dilemma, no not really, how about an energy dilemma? Yep. Do I now feel remorseful, yes. I miss my friends. I am so glad they still text or call to even ask me out! I'm sure they think I never have any fun.

But it's there. Guilt. It is one of those things I need to let go of as part of my no-more-beating-me-up-anymore plan. I realize it is about time I become my own biggest fan, not anyone elses job, really. I just know how hard I am on myself. How about you?

I think it's time to let that go, because truly I've done nothing wrong. What I am guilty of is trying to take care of myself, and I can live with that.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

This Woman's Voice

is my favorite right now. She is so soulful.

Focus, Focus, Focus

I am having such a hard time buckling down and not being distracted. And no, I don't want to take adderal to handle this issue.

There is only 2 weeks left of class and I have an unbelievable amount of work to do. In fact I don't have any idea how it will physically all be able to be completed, but I know I will.

So, with that I guess I turn off the Law and Order reruns that are keeping me company and finish another chapters worth of work. Sigh.

I. Am. The. Little. Engine. That. Could. That has, that did, and will continue to do so.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Crossing My Fingers, Saying My Prayers

Please, please, please let me be the instigator of big changes this week. Oh and I'd like a little help from the universe who has usually taken care of me quite nicely. Prayers welcome and appreciated.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Are you still here?

Oh good, I'm not alone.

Nice to see that just because you make a crazy declaration and it's published everywhere you look it does not necessarily mean it's true. Really???? Who knew????? Imagine that!

Oh, and what does good old Harold have to say for himself (and the second coming) today, as of 10pm???

This inquiring mind could care less what he has to say, just sayin'.


Do you know that feeling, of feeling rushed all the time?

In the back of my head are the four chapters I need to read, understand, and know by June 8th. The project I have due that I still have mounds to do to complete. The two quizzes on Tuesday. The two labs I need to write for the same night. Oh yeah and the interview I want so badly to go my way on top of ..the laundry, the dishes, the groceries, the cat food I need to buy, the shoes I need to return...do you know this devil of which I speak??? Oh my. The strange thing is, I often find instead of fueling me to keep going and move ahead, I find myself immobilized by all of this. Not a place I can allow myself to hang out, not a good place to even think of going to, but here I am. Yikes.

In some attempt at stillness, I made myself go to bed at 10pm last night. I never do that, and yes I actually fell asleep because I was tired. I know meditation would have been better, but the under side of my eyelids looked wonderful. Ha.

I think I need to get up, go change for work, head over to school and just work on my homework until I it's time to head out. That is the best discipline I have for today. Besides, at least at school will be minus the squawking bird who is determined to aid in helping me loose my mind!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

This week has been

a very suckie week.

I do not like drama. I do not enjoy it. I hate feeling like I'm going to cry. I hate feeling sick to my stomach. I do not want to feel anxiety. I don't like being afraid that I am going to get yelled at or be made a fool of.

I am hating it even more that all my close friends are far away. I am not liking that my family is far from me. That April is far away and attempting to talk on the phone, is just that, an attempt at best.

If I was a drinking girl, I'd be drunk. A drug addict, wasted or high but I am neither of those. I'm attempting not to "eat," over all of this, so it leaves me here.

In search of a voice. In search of the answers. Of how to flip the backwards week around, back to the life I do love. The life I wake up excited about having. The one that puts a smile on my face.

One of my best qualities is to awaken renewed, ready to start again, try again, and not give up. Resiliency could be made middle name.

I finally had a successful Gram Stain at class tonight. It might not mean much to anyone, but it means something to me. It means I can move forward on a project that is difficult and long and I only have two weeks to complete ~ but at least now I know I am headed in the right direction.

That is the same feeling I need to have in my heart again.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Onto Something

Did you ever feel you were so close to something but still couldn't quite see it clearly?

That is where I am at today. I have really been struggling with school, most specifically because it is extremely difficult information (most will say microbiology is). In addition, quarters are only 12 weeks so you have to study all this information at break neck speed. I always end up feeling like I have no life. I don't have time for one if I want to pass these science classes and I hate that!

So, the reason I feel like I'm onto something is that I am wondering if I am going about this all wrong. I am so determined to get an education and real job, it really has taken me away from all the things I love. How will it be when I am actually doing that job? Will I feel the same?

What if I just started allowing myself to write more (as in everyday)? I love to write. I love giving voice to an idea. Expressing what is true for me. Saying something in my own way, with my own twist. What if I started trying to get published like I dream of? Do art. I can't even remember the last time I created anything physically, other than writing.

I just know I feel miserable and am not happy right now, but sadly I am the one who put myself in this position. I am the one who decided to try and get through the classes I so struggle with.

This all started with a women who I follow on Facebook who works with women and food addiction. Her name is Geneen Roth. Funny thing is a dear friend told me about her at least 10 years ago but I think I am finally ready to hear her.

This is the quote that got me thinking;

"Freedom from obsession is not about something you do; it's about knowing who you are. It's about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you can't have it.," Geneen Roth.

Right now, I feel like my work, my studies, everything but my relationship I find, exhausts me.

What to do, what to do.

Monday, May 9, 2011

I understand...

the idea of wanting to "go postal," even though this a relatively old term it is how I feel today. I so badly want to lash out and hurt those who have hurt me with their favoritism and double standards. I have to admit I no longer have it in me to physically kill myself to keep trying to please someone who will never be pleased. Especially when doing so has never helped. It's official, I'm done.

Funny, I have a boundary with people in my personal life that if crossed too often I feel the same way about. I just get to a point where certain things just don't work for me (like someone I befriended who thought it was okay to yell at me) and then I am done. We are done. I knew it in my marriage, there was no counseling, no wishing, no trying again that was ever going to make it better. It was what it was. This is what it is. I. HAVE. HAD. ENOUGH. You don't get to keep trying to make me feel bad, or convince me I am lazy, or no good. I'm none of those things. You will never be able to convince me I am.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happy Mother's Day 2011

For all the mom's and their endless love,
the countless amount of times they washed and folded the same pair of soxs and undies and put them away,
the hours spent making sure we had meals together,
but taking the time to shop for the ingredients, bring them home, unload them, wash them and slice and dice them and then on top of all that cook them up,
the untold minutes spent cleaning,
the trips to the beach,
to the toy store, the shoe store, cheering me on,
for my mom specifically who let me pick out with great care the fabrics of so many of my homemade, beautifully sewn clothes,
the gifts, the cakes, the candles, the sleepless nights you sacrificed to make something come together just for me,
thank you.
I love you. Your sacrifices have not gone unnoticed. They are so appreciated.
You are appreciated.
Thanks Mom.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Negative Vs. Positive

Which is it for you? Are you one of the people who naturally goes for the encouragement, support, high fives you did it crowd? Or are you on the OTHER TEAM, TEAM NEGATIVE?

You cannot imagine how many people whose first natural reaction is to question. To discourage. To ask why, oh why. To knock one down for their efforts. Point out how long it will actually take to do what you want to do (oh, and then continually keep asking, "Are ya done yet?"). Oh, and be so kind as to remind you of your age. Really? Really? Reaaaallllllllllly? Are you reading into this I am reading to start screaming, biting people's heads off, and getting overly defensive, then well you are correct-a-mundo. Oh yes you are.

I don't know why as humans it is easier for us to tear down than build up. Why is it easier to focus on the wrongs instead of rights. We ignore the 20 things about someone that thrill us, and focus on the one thing that drives us crazy. You know it's true. We have all been there. Just because it's true doesn't mean it doesn't suck. It does. It sucks big time.

Believe it or not, one of my personal beliefs is that we are all here to help one another. To make the journey easier, less bumpy, more joyful. Seriously, if we are not here to love and help one another out well then I truly don't why we are here. For me, it just comes down to something as simple as this ~ be kind.

I'm not feeling so kind lately. Work, pressure from a crazy project at school, just life in general but you know what, I'm still a champion for us all at heart. I want to be the one you remember who was in your corner. Who took the time to listen to you. Who told you that you could do it, that something bigger was out there for you than you could possible imagine.

I don't care how old I get, unless I'm dead or want to be a super model, I still believe it is all possible.


While I am thankful that my girl has the opportunity to work again, today I miss her. Talking on the phone is just NOT THE SAME.

And that is all I have to say about that, for today.

p.s. And she took the only consistent cat in the house with her, she should have taken Pidge!!!