Actually, I might be better off having a good hard cry and walking around miserable for a few days than the emotional abyss I have been experiencing. It seems the death of my friend Susan has started some underground sub-current in my soul. Everywhere but in my relationship feels off and almost somewhat pointless currently.
Susan passed away on August 5, quickly and unexpectedly. I want to say she was 55 but I'm sure I am off with that number. (A quick look to verify and Susan lived to be a mere 58) But damn it, she was young. Too young to leave. Too many responsibilities left to tend to and a Granddaughter to finish raising. A retirement she earned that will never be enjoyed. It leaves me heartbroken, it leaves me angry. It is just not fair. I almost wish I'd been there by her side because seeing her at the end would of let me know if she was ready, if she found acceptance, or if she, like most of her life fought to make ground and move ahead and just keep at it. She was good like that. It was how she accomplished so much despite her health issues. Despite her broken hearts. Despite her disappointments. She did not give in or give up.
She lived her passion. Susan's passion was dance. Modern dance. Even after she was thrown through a plate glass window in New York one summer's day she somehow managed to recover and dance again. This was no easy feat, both her legs were nearly severed behind and below each knee. She had to redefine herself. Her body was a dancers. She had to look at the possibility that was no longer true and found a way to make it still so. Of course she had her limitations, but she could still amaze an audience. She could still choreograph. She still taught her heart out.
While I digress, more into Susan's life I realize that this post is about my malaise. Because, I am not living my passion. Not only that, the mere thought of being plucked from my life with only several days notice pisses me off silly. This is it? This is all there would be? Really, are you kidding me? I want more. I want so much more. It's not about the stuff, it's about being authentic. It's about friends. It's about family. It's about wonder. Travel, experience, meaning, love, joy, acceptance, expression, being excited to wake up to another day. There is so much more of those things I long for in my life. I think Susan's sudden departure has hit me smack dab in the middle of my third eye and like a pesky fly won't leave me be. But that is not a bad thing.