Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Love and Loss

I loved my friend Susan. We were always a great sounding board for one another. She really was one of my soul-mate friends here on earth. Always willing to listen, not judge, always willing to share her life with me, even when it felt vulnerable and risky. She told me her truth. We laughed. We cried. We guffawed. She knew me, truly and I knew her. And we still liked one another.
I think for the first time in my life, I know what it means to grieve. I am both surprised and astounded by it at the same instant, because really I am okay with dying. I have no fear. There cannot be anywhere in the existence of the universe I believe that is harder than the days on this earth can be occasionally. But, loss I am finding is harder to live with.

I find myself with a different outlook lately. Trying not to worry about silly things, because at least I am still here and have choices to make. I found myself standing in front of the mirror one day last month, the blow dryer completely kaput and I thought, "Who cares?" If you know me, hair is a silly big deal. A bad hair day can be just that, a bad hair day where I just feel ugly and grumpy all day. But Susan's death, I find, has changed me. I laughed at the absurdity of feeling upset and thought to myself, "Well, it's only one day, who cares. I can go to work like this." I just laughed it off, and continued to laugh even my boss chose to tease me about my look. I find myself with a new perspective about things. Some are big and huge and life altering and some are simple and easy and make me laugh about all the things I wasted time worrying about.

I miss you Susan, at the oddest times. But I find you are there to remind me of who I know myself to be and I am so thankful to be able to still hear your voice.

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