Thankful Post to Come - For Now...(Author experiencing a high volume of PMS which tends to intentisfy any emotion I have by a katrillion)

I seem to have lost the "Mo" for my "jo."

There are many things I know I need to deal with/handle/surrender to and for some reason my resistance seems to be at an all time high. I just don't wanna!!!

In some respects I know I am like every other woman out there who has had weight issues. I am short 5.2, I am over 45, and honestly dealing with too much weight has plagued me most of my life. Not just even my adult life...I can still remember having to diet as a girl in middle school, high school. I still remember the school nurse at Stowers Elementary who told me during a sixth grade weigh in, I weighed then what I would need to weigh for the rest of my life. I think it was somewhere right around 109 pounds. Maybe she was right, but can I tell you that was probably the last day of my life I ever weighed that again. Even when I had to lose weight for surgery at 18, I still only got down to 117.

For those of you that think I've given up, or forgotten, or don't realize I need to handle my food/weight issues, well I have not. How could I? I practically hate every picture of me that is taken. My hair no longer makes me happy, make up, or clothes. It is probably one of things that is first and foremost on my mind and yet it seems like there is nothing I can do to "get the ball rolling," again if you will.

I have found some great weight loss blogs, and I enjoy (okay, not always) reading through them but honestly, the thought of having to give all that attention to what I'm eating is enough to make me want to run screaming from the house. Really. I have enough to think about with work and school and life. And yet I know. I know. I do. I know it is a matter of surrender, that resistance will only increase the problem.

The funny thing is I love healthy foods. I just need to take more time to prepare them and eat them. I don't love exercise, but I do love the way it makes me feel. I indeed have become a certified couch potato. I know I spend too much time indoors, on the computer, in the library, etc... and it has lead to my 5.2 self wearing a tight size 18 pants. (In most cases-unless I'm shopping at the fat ladies store, where of course I still manage to fit in the smallest size they sell. How is it that that fact is NOT reassuring. Nor is the fact that my tops are now 2 sizes bigger because my waist line seems to have tripled since moving to the PNW.) Okay, ugh. Just frickin' ugh.

I rarely talk about this with anyone, because like anyone who has a addiction or some flaw they are stuck on I get tired of hearing about it. Especially if it has dominated their life for 30 plus years and they still continue to carry on with the same behavior. You either change it, or shut up about it (how bad is that for a lack of compassion for myself and others??) because truly no one wants to hear you or me whining about our lack of self control and discipline anymore.

I don't know why I felt the need to ramble on about this today. I guess I'm feeling more out of control about it than ever, and bad it about it as well. I'm just so tired of it, and yet... And the "and yet" part is where I am stuck.

I need to give in...not just to this but things like homework as well, as I actually have to pass my next exam and get a B in the class. God knows I don't want to have to repeat it, especially to the tune of $600 bucks. But like starting to eat right and exercise, I find myself totally resisting studying this week. Today I am sick of it, hmmmmmmm notice a theme here. Kinda of sick of lots of things...hence the disclaimer in my post title.

If you've managed to read this all the way to the end, bless your heart. Bless mine too, while we are at it.