It's hard for me to focus. It's even more difficult when I am trying to learn all these new concepts, especially since they all revolve around chemistry. I find myself drained. Tired. In Need of Some Major Downtime, that I frankly do not have time to take. I doubt my ability to complete this course with a B (needed to get me into the nursing program). I doubt my strength to be able to carry on for however much longer it will take me to complete this rigorous program. Truly, I doubt.
But, I also know I am one of strongest, most resilient people I know. I have overcome many things that I thought would cause me to collapse, and did not. People who nearly did me in, and I was able to walk away from them (not just ex's) before I caved. I know I am smarter than I ever dreamed possible - or was lead to believe growing up. I know that I have to find a new way to earn a living, and frankly nursing seems like a similar path as massage. People, kindness, pain, healing all interwoven. I hope I am right. I hope the struggle of no free time, living like a starving student, and feeling like I am neglecting the one I love are worth it.
Often, I have dreamt about having a studio filled with light. Windows all around, green and water somewhere in the view. Cats, dogs, and birds wander in freely while I work. One side holds my computer and desk...it's where I write. The other side has easels, full of paintings. Some finished, some in progress, and some only light pencil outlines but all painted by me. The room is like me. It's mine. It's messy, but I know exactly where everything is (most of the time)! It's loaded with supplies. It's amass with happiness. It's my creative side run amok, it's where I get to just be.
So, can you see me working 3 days a week supporting myself and our family and using the other 3 days to let my inspiration loose? I can. I hope somehow the vision I have for tomorrow is able to come to fruition. Just for all those naysayers, and me and my doubts as well.
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