Retrospective

I was thinking about people who hurt us. I was thinking of people who hurt us the most. Who are close enough to us to hurt us the most. Our parents, our siblings, our oldest friends, spouses, children.

I am a big believer in owning my own feelings and being responsible for having them in the first place. Yet sometimes I still choose to react by being hurt by the things others have done or said to me.

I don't know why, but I was thinking about being hurt, but I was. I was thinking about who hurt me the most, even if it was unintentionally. Strange how that is a completely different kind of hurt than loosing someone you love to death. The hurtful pain is there, but it unique. It goes in and twists around and back n' forth taking hold and causing destruction.

I look back and wonder why. Why it took me so long to see what I was willing to accept no matter how uncomfortable it was. I thought about what I helped create and was willing to exist in for much too long. I'm so tired of hearing the excuses and blame for reasons things happened. No manner of illness will ever excuse behavior that is never owned up to or responsibility taken for. Those apologies are hollow. They are worthless in my mind. In my heart. Like a broken record those excuses used play over and over.

Dr. Phil drives me buggers, but I love this quote from him, "We teach others how to treat us." I believe this is true. No matter how well or how poorly.

Supposedly, we learn from past mistakes. If this is true I would say I've must of learned something. Today I am with someone who adores me. Who seldom, if ever hurts my feelings. Who is respectful. Who listens to what I say, and remembers. Who treats me better than I've ever been treated in my entire life. I hope she'd say the same thing about me. I am thankful for the love I have today. Because of her, much of the hurt in my heart has been washed away. Of course, she could hurt me dearly because I have been willing to risk totally loving her. But because of who she is,it is a chance I was willing to take. I'm so glad I did.