Sleepless in Seattle

I should say sleepless in Seattle and California. I think I've had about 13 hours of sleep since last Friday night. Somehow, I still managed to function. To look decent. To be kind. To get myself in the car, in a taxi, on a plane, landed, picked up, to the memorial service, to my cousins house for family gathering, back to my Aunt's house, more talking, shower, try to fall asleep (ha! trying is the major word here), back up at 8am (egads, my body is in shock from the early morning) for breakfast with the family, back to Auntie's house, experiencing the strangest family time together I ever have, to a piano ~ violin recital thanks to Ms. Judy in Seal Beach, back to Torrance, to Fish Bonz for dinner, for a walk around the park with Patty and Auntie, back to her house, more yakking until midnight and up at 4:20am to catch a 7am flight home, wake up, get dressed, don't fall over from tiredness, take previously packed bag out to entry door, meet mom for ride to airport, board, fly home, get taxi, get car, drive home, arrive, greet bird and kitties, strip down fall into bed for a good 2 hour nap, wake up to alarm, get ready, apologize to glaring kitty for leaving again so soon, go to work, deal with crazy shit at work, get back in car, arrive home, rinse off huge decorations left all over new paint job by overgrown bird that sat above my car (seagull bird shit, in other words), water potted plants, lie on floor to love on forgiving kitties, catch up on computer fav's, and now here I am. It's almost midnight. Somehow I think my sleepless phase will have ended. Amen.

p.s. This post made me realize why I feel a bit exhausted! How do people who travel for work everyday do it???

Emotional Tsunami, Well Sort Of

Actually, I might be better off having a good hard cry and walking around miserable for a few days than the emotional abyss I have been experiencing. It seems the death of my friend Susan has started some underground sub-current in my soul. Everywhere but in my relationship feels off and almost somewhat pointless currently.

Susan passed away on August 5, quickly and unexpectedly. I want to say she was 55 but I'm sure I am off with that number. (A quick look to verify and Susan lived to be a mere 58) But damn it, she was young. Too young to leave. Too many responsibilities left to tend to and a Granddaughter to finish raising. A retirement she earned that will never be enjoyed. It leaves me heartbroken, it leaves me angry. It is just not fair. I almost wish I'd been there by her side because seeing her at the end would of let me know if she was ready, if she found acceptance, or if she, like most of her life fought to make ground and move ahead and just keep at it. She was good like that. It was how she accomplished so much despite her health issues. Despite her broken hearts. Despite her disappointments. She did not give in or give up.

She lived her passion. Susan's passion was dance. Modern dance. Even after she was thrown through a plate glass window in New York one summer's day she somehow managed to recover and dance again. This was no easy feat, both her legs were nearly severed behind and below each knee. She had to redefine herself. Her body was a dancers. She had to look at the possibility that was no longer true and found a way to make it still so. Of course she had her limitations, but she could still amaze an audience. She could still choreograph. She still taught her heart out.

While I digress, more into Susan's life I realize that this post is about my malaise. Because, I am not living my passion. Not only that, the mere thought of being plucked from my life with only several days notice pisses me off silly. This is it? This is all there would be? Really, are you kidding me? I want more. I want so much more. It's not about the stuff, it's about being authentic. It's about friends. It's about family. It's about wonder. Travel, experience, meaning, love, joy, acceptance, expression, being excited to wake up to another day. There is so much more of those things I long for in my life. I think Susan's sudden departure has hit me smack dab in the middle of my third eye and like a pesky fly won't leave me be. But that is not a bad thing.

Dinner with Mom

Mom and I had dinner at a wonder place called Tutta Bella in Belltown. She is in town for a week and half. We managed to kick off our first meal together in the sunshine and enjoying a very delicious, fresh, and tasty salad, bruchetta (above!), and amazing pizza with eggplant and roasted red peppers. It's not often we get to sit and just talk and enjoy. It was perfect!

Biased or Bi-esed?

Who knows. So if you read my blog you either know me (thanks to my friends and family for hanging in there) or have read far enough back to know that I was previously married and before I met April. Yes, I am what some have call a, "switcher", "flipper", or whatever witty word you want to apply to stereotype me with for changing lifestyles. But here's the rub, I still know a handsome man when I see one. I still find men attractive. There is no explanation for this, it just is.

I don't worry about this too much by trying to put a title to it or name on it or make it mean anything. I love who I love, today. I am happier than I've ever been, more understood, more fulfilled, I have more of everything in my heart and life than I've ever had before but...people ask funny questions of me. Scrunch their eyebrows up when I notice beautiful men or darling young boys. It cracks me up, who cares a thing of beauty is still a thing of beauty.

Last night the restaurant had more than several of them. The two I had the pleasure of meeting were just perfect. The first one I got acquainted with was celebrating his 50th birthday. He looked amazing for 50, as well as his spouse. I made sure to go up and wish him a happy one. We laughed about the oddity of age and how it just didn't feel even possible to arrive at that number. Since I am quickly slididng into that year next, I find comfort in others who are just as boggled as I am by the fact I, "me," could possibly be that frickin' age! He, for certain, was in my club. I don't care who you are, but having someone wish you a happy birthday and telling you are extremely handsome and how happy you look feels good. We might not sing happy birthday but trust me when I say he left feeling like someone sang to him. And why not? Kind words genuinely felt and stated aloud are a wonderful thing to share, especially with those of us who are getting older!

Okay, and this pic of a young Paul Newman, come on'. Who does not see the beauty in the man? And I don't usually look twice at blonds, but as an old friend would say, "bubba, bubba!"

Moved In but Not Settled Yet!

That's why you haven't seen me. I feel like I've got a case of terminal tiredness.

This is the shower curtain I found for the bath. Love it! It makes me happy to look at just like the yellow funky liner I put in the drawers in that same room. I'm such a geek for anything that makes me smile and proud of it!

Microbiology Finished

Rest (Not In Peace!)

Yesterday I thought I was getting the flu. My body ached. My head throbbed. All my body wanted to do is sleep.

Who could blame it? I've been pushing myself for the past ten weeks like crazy. Grand opening at Scuttlebutt, Mircobiology, and now another new restaurant with another new grand re-opening. Not to mention a entire wine list, drink list, and menu that is insane!

But truly, I felt like if I did not slow down I might be slowed for good. So I let myself sleep in this morning until 9:00 am. I am not looking at one word of Micro unless I can't sleep when I get home tonight. I've cruised my favorite blogs. I've got HGTV on in the background. I refuse to make myself focus. Okay, so I will keep reviewing the drink list and menu, but that is not like learning something brain defying.

I just realized if I keep pushing, there will be nothing left to push. So I sit here in my PJ's still, hair straight up in the air. Yes, it is sunny outside but I just need to veg. Maybe I will go sit on the back patio in a bit. I don't know. I just need a day without an agenda. Work at 4:30pm will be here soon enough.

Then 5 days of pure madness studying for my final and writing the extended lab paper that is due. I know it will go by faster than I can imagine!