The End Of An Era

I am no longer a newbie to the Pacific Northwest. As of this month, I have lived here 5 years. I love living here as much as I did the first time I set foot in this beautiful place. Each time I hop in my car to run an errand, I still notice the beauty that surrounds me. Just the other day, I drove home with the Olympics to my right, the Cascades to my left, and Mt. Rainer boldly, majestically lying south of me. I love the changing of the leaves as they fall from the trees, with their spicy reds and brilliant yellows. Even the rain, the endless sometimes what feels like countless hours of rain, I love it as well. I think it has helped wash all the years of hurt and doubt away and left me feeling whole and confident again. Living here has allowed me the grace to love my life, to love myself, and to just be. So, I no longer feel like a newbie to this gracious part of the world.

Another era has ended as well. That is the era of April and I. We are no longer in a relationship. While it is fresh and I have all kinds of feelings I haven't quite sorted through, I know it is the right thing. I am not alone. I am not afraid. In fact, I feel less stress today than I have in months.

While my heart feels the pain of the bitter sweetness in life, it also is sure. Completely. Confidently sure. I do not doubt myself and my decision.

People, being so, are circling the wagons. Some have extended a kind and non-judgmental hand, and others quick to hurt and hurl accusations they have no true knowledge of. I can live with that.

And today, despite the sorrow for the hurt I've caused and the worry I have over another's well being, I have a smile on my face, and deep lingering sureness and happiness in my heart.

I will be moving this blog and changing the title. I will post the link here when it is completed and ready to be read.

Love and Loss

I loved my friend Susan. We were always a great sounding board for one another. She really was one of my soul-mate friends here on earth. Always willing to listen, not judge, always willing to share her life with me, even when it felt vulnerable and risky. She told me her truth. We laughed. We cried. We guffawed. She knew me, truly and I knew her. And we still liked one another.

I think for the first time in my life, I know what it means to grieve. I am both surprised and astounded by it at the same instant, because really I am okay with dying. I have no fear. There cannot be anywhere in the existence of the universe I believe that is harder than the days on this earth can be occasionally. But, loss I am finding is harder to live with.

I find myself with a different outlook lately. Trying not to worry about silly things, because at least I am still here and have choices to make. I found myself standing in front of the mirror one day last month, the blow dryer completely kaput and I thought, "Who cares?" If you know me, hair is a silly big deal. A bad hair day can be just that, a bad hair day where I just feel ugly and grumpy all day. But Susan's death, I find, has changed me. I laughed at the absurdity of feeling upset and thought to myself, "Well, it's only one day, who cares. I can go to work like this." I just laughed it off, and continued to laugh even my boss chose to tease me about my look. I find myself with a new perspective about things. Some are big and huge and life altering and some are simple and easy and make me laugh about all the things I wasted time worrying about.

I miss you Susan, at the oddest times. But I find you are there to remind me of who I know myself to be and I am so thankful to be able to still hear your voice.

Gone but Not Forgotten

Trust me when I say that. I have missed blogging. There is much on my mind, as always to share but taking these two classes with all their little intricacies has taken up so much of my time. I will be DONE with them on December 9th and I will be back here.

I am thinking it may be even time for a new blog, since I am no longer a Newbie to the Northwest. I still love it here! I think 5 years is long enough time to qualify as not being a Newbie! How about you?

Can't Change My Mind

but maybe I can change my outside and my inside will follow.

When I was young, I dieted. I have not dieted for years. It seems like any bit ahead I get, is just that, only a bit. The pounds like to hang on now like a drowning man clinging to his life vest. They just won't let go, so I have just given up trying. But, I feel yuckie.

I look around and see so many obese and fat people I can't stand it. It seems to be getting worse and worse. Scooter people everywhere, no I should clarify, FAT scooter people everywhere. Even though I am one of them, I think it is disgusting. A fatty who is fat prejudiced, yep, that is me.

I feel like I am getting fatter, fatter, and fatter. My enegry levels are at an all time low. I have no desire to dress up, look nice, or shop for cute clothes because I feel like everything looks bad on me. Why wouldn't it? If I was a 6 foot tall woman, I'd be the appropriate height and weight.

Now, logically all this talk of eating fruits and veggies makes total sense to me. We are, after all, what we eat. It's not rocket science people. Plants help us balance out our hormones, provide us with nutrients from the sunshine they use to grow, and filter the garbage out of us. Even the ingredients that are found in the drugs that are pushed whole heartily by drug manufactures come from the rain forest - most pills were originally some sort of natural medicine found in nature. It is the thing that cures us. But if we are not eating any of it, how is the body supposed to repair itself? Stay at its natural weight? If we just live off processed foods, meats, and fats how we will ever manage to be healthy. Besides, I am convinced those are addicting. Once I start eating sugar, I crave it everyday and just want more. It's like a thought that continuously resides at the back of my brain. I don't even like chocolate or fast food that much anymore, but it stills calls to me if I give into it.

The last time I lost a significant amount of weight was about 12 years ago. I started two years before I was married. I worked my ass off and was hungry for about 6 months. I eventually felt great and looked good. (I will try to find a pic from this time and scan it. I wonder if you will recognize me.) I still did not manage to loose as much as I would have liked but I was happy. Obviously, I didn't maintain that or I wouldn't be sitting here thinking about how to change.

I am a firm believer in the fact that it is never too late to change or start over again. Never, ever, ever, unless you are dead of course. Last time I checked waking up each day, doing what needs to be done, living, and working don't qualify as dead! So, I am thinking of a new approach.

Stop trying to change my mind, my thoughts, my inner voice, and just start trying to change the outside. Maybe the inside of me will catch up to the outside of me since the other way around has never worked long term.

Sleepless in Seattle

I should say sleepless in Seattle and California. I think I've had about 13 hours of sleep since last Friday night. Somehow, I still managed to function. To look decent. To be kind. To get myself in the car, in a taxi, on a plane, landed, picked up, to the memorial service, to my cousins house for family gathering, back to my Aunt's house, more talking, shower, try to fall asleep (ha! trying is the major word here), back up at 8am (egads, my body is in shock from the early morning) for breakfast with the family, back to Auntie's house, experiencing the strangest family time together I ever have, to a piano ~ violin recital thanks to Ms. Judy in Seal Beach, back to Torrance, to Fish Bonz for dinner, for a walk around the park with Patty and Auntie, back to her house, more yakking until midnight and up at 4:20am to catch a 7am flight home, wake up, get dressed, don't fall over from tiredness, take previously packed bag out to entry door, meet mom for ride to airport, board, fly home, get taxi, get car, drive home, arrive, greet bird and kitties, strip down fall into bed for a good 2 hour nap, wake up to alarm, get ready, apologize to glaring kitty for leaving again so soon, go to work, deal with crazy shit at work, get back in car, arrive home, rinse off huge decorations left all over new paint job by overgrown bird that sat above my car (seagull bird shit, in other words), water potted plants, lie on floor to love on forgiving kitties, catch up on computer fav's, and now here I am. It's almost midnight. Somehow I think my sleepless phase will have ended. Amen.

p.s. This post made me realize why I feel a bit exhausted! How do people who travel for work everyday do it???

Emotional Tsunami, Well Sort Of

Actually, I might be better off having a good hard cry and walking around miserable for a few days than the emotional abyss I have been experiencing. It seems the death of my friend Susan has started some underground sub-current in my soul. Everywhere but in my relationship feels off and almost somewhat pointless currently.

Susan passed away on August 5, quickly and unexpectedly. I want to say she was 55 but I'm sure I am off with that number. (A quick look to verify and Susan lived to be a mere 58) But damn it, she was young. Too young to leave. Too many responsibilities left to tend to and a Granddaughter to finish raising. A retirement she earned that will never be enjoyed. It leaves me heartbroken, it leaves me angry. It is just not fair. I almost wish I'd been there by her side because seeing her at the end would of let me know if she was ready, if she found acceptance, or if she, like most of her life fought to make ground and move ahead and just keep at it. She was good like that. It was how she accomplished so much despite her health issues. Despite her broken hearts. Despite her disappointments. She did not give in or give up.

She lived her passion. Susan's passion was dance. Modern dance. Even after she was thrown through a plate glass window in New York one summer's day she somehow managed to recover and dance again. This was no easy feat, both her legs were nearly severed behind and below each knee. She had to redefine herself. Her body was a dancers. She had to look at the possibility that was no longer true and found a way to make it still so. Of course she had her limitations, but she could still amaze an audience. She could still choreograph. She still taught her heart out.

While I digress, more into Susan's life I realize that this post is about my malaise. Because, I am not living my passion. Not only that, the mere thought of being plucked from my life with only several days notice pisses me off silly. This is it? This is all there would be? Really, are you kidding me? I want more. I want so much more. It's not about the stuff, it's about being authentic. It's about friends. It's about family. It's about wonder. Travel, experience, meaning, love, joy, acceptance, expression, being excited to wake up to another day. There is so much more of those things I long for in my life. I think Susan's sudden departure has hit me smack dab in the middle of my third eye and like a pesky fly won't leave me be. But that is not a bad thing.

Dinner with Mom

Mom and I had dinner at a wonder place called Tutta Bella in Belltown. She is in town for a week and half. We managed to kick off our first meal together in the sunshine and enjoying a very delicious, fresh, and tasty salad, bruchetta (above!), and amazing pizza with eggplant and roasted red peppers. It's not often we get to sit and just talk and enjoy. It was perfect!