Pacific Northwest Newbie

The End Of An Era

2011-11-23T06:39:00.000-08:00

I am no longer a newbie to the Pacific Northwest. As of this month, I have lived here 5 years. I love living here as much as I did the first time I set foot in this beautiful place. Each time I hop in my car to run an errand, I still notice the beauty that surrounds me. Just the other day, I drove home with the Olympics to my right, the Cascades to my left, and Mt. Rainer boldly, majestically lying south of me. I love the changing of the leaves as they fall from the trees, with their spicy reds and brilliant yellows. Even the rain, the endless sometimes what feels like countless hours of rain, I love it as well. I think it has helped wash all the years of hurt and doubt away and left me feeling whole and confident again. Living here has allowed me the grace to love my life, to love myself, and to just be. So, I no longer feel like a newbie to this gracious part of the world.

Another era has ended as well. That is the era of April and I. We are no longer in a relationship. While it is fresh and I have all kinds of feelings I haven't quite sorted through, I know it is the right thing. I am not alone. I am not afraid. In fact, I feel less stress today than I have in months.

While my heart feels the pain of the bitter sweetness in life, it also is sure. Completely. Confidently sure. I do not doubt myself and my decision.

People, being so, are circling the wagons. Some have extended a kind and non-judgmental hand, and others quick to hurt and hurl accusations they have no true knowledge of. I can live with that.

And today, despite the sorrow for the hurt I've caused and the worry I have over another's well being, I have a smile on my face, and deep lingering sureness and happiness in my heart.

I will be moving this blog and changing the title. I will post the link here when it is completed and ready to be read.

Love and Loss

2011-11-15T06:40:00.000-08:00

I loved my friend Susan. We were always a great sounding board for one another. She really was one of my soul-mate friends here on earth. Always willing to listen, not judge, always willing to share her life with me, even when it felt vulnerable and risky. She told me her truth. We laughed. We cried. We guffawed. She knew me, truly and I knew her. And we still liked one another.

I think for the first time in my life, I know what it means to grieve. I am both surprised and astounded by it at the same instant, because really I am okay with dying. I have no fear. There cannot be anywhere in the existence of the universe I believe that is harder than the days on this earth can be occasionally. But, loss I am finding is harder to live with.

I find myself with a different outlook lately. Trying not to worry about silly things, because at least I am still here and have choices to make. I found myself standing in front of the mirror one day last month, the blow dryer completely kaput and I thought, "Who cares?" If you know me, hair is a silly big deal. A bad hair day can be just that, a bad hair day where I just feel ugly and grumpy all day. But Susan's death, I find, has changed me. I laughed at the absurdity of feeling upset and thought to myself, "Well, it's only one day, who cares. I can go to work like this." I just laughed it off, and continued to laugh even my boss chose to tease me about my look. I find myself with a new perspective about things. Some are big and huge and life altering and some are simple and easy and make me laugh about all the things I wasted time worrying about.

I miss you Susan, at the oddest times. But I find you are there to remind me of who I know myself to be and I am so thankful to be able to still hear your voice.

Gone but Not Forgotten

2011-11-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

Trust me when I say that. I have missed blogging. There is much on my mind, as always to share but taking these two classes with all their little intricacies has taken up so much of my time. I will be DONE with them on December 9th and I will be back here.

I am thinking it may be even time for a new blog, since I am no longer a Newbie to the Northwest. I still love it here! I think 5 years is long enough time to qualify as not being a Newbie! How about you?

Can't Change My Mind

2011-08-30T13:53:00.001-07:00

but maybe I can change my outside and my inside will follow.

When I was young, I dieted. I have not dieted for years. It seems like any bit ahead I get, is just that, only a bit. The pounds like to hang on now like a drowning man clinging to his life vest. They just won't let go, so I have just given up trying. But, I feel yuckie.

I look around and see so many obese and fat people I can't stand it. It seems to be getting worse and worse. Scooter people everywhere, no I should clarify, FAT scooter people everywhere. Even though I am one of them, I think it is disgusting. A fatty who is fat prejudiced, yep, that is me.

I feel like I am getting fatter, fatter, and fatter. My enegry levels are at an all time low. I have no desire to dress up, look nice, or shop for cute clothes because I feel like everything looks bad on me. Why wouldn't it? If I was a 6 foot tall woman, I'd be the appropriate height and weight.

Now, logically all this talk of eating fruits and veggies makes total sense to me. We are, after all, what we eat. It's not rocket science people. Plants help us balance out our hormones, provide us with nutrients from the sunshine they use to grow, and filter the garbage out of us. Even the ingredients that are found in the drugs that are pushed whole heartily by drug manufactures come from the rain forest - most pills were originally some sort of natural medicine found in nature. It is the thing that cures us. But if we are not eating any of it, how is the body supposed to repair itself? Stay at its natural weight? If we just live off processed foods, meats, and fats how we will ever manage to be healthy. Besides, I am convinced those are addicting. Once I start eating sugar, I crave it everyday and just want more. It's like a thought that continuously resides at the back of my brain. I don't even like chocolate or fast food that much anymore, but it stills calls to me if I give into it.

The last time I lost a significant amount of weight was about 12 years ago. I started two years before I was married. I worked my ass off and was hungry for about 6 months. I eventually felt great and looked good. (I will try to find a pic from this time and scan it. I wonder if you will recognize me.) I still did not manage to loose as much as I would have liked but I was happy. Obviously, I didn't maintain that or I wouldn't be sitting here thinking about how to change.

I am a firm believer in the fact that it is never too late to change or start over again. Never, ever, ever, unless you are dead of course. Last time I checked waking up each day, doing what needs to be done, living, and working don't qualify as dead! So, I am thinking of a new approach.

Stop trying to change my mind, my thoughts, my inner voice, and just start trying to change the outside. Maybe the inside of me will catch up to the outside of me since the other way around has never worked long term.

Sleepless in Seattle

2011-08-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

I should say sleepless in Seattle and California. I think I've had about 13 hours of sleep since last Friday night. Somehow, I still managed to function. To look decent. To be kind. To get myself in the car, in a taxi, on a plane, landed, picked up, to the memorial service, to my cousins house for family gathering, back to my Aunt's house, more talking, shower, try to fall asleep (ha! trying is the major word here), back up at 8am (egads, my body is in shock from the early morning) for breakfast with the family, back to Auntie's house, experiencing the strangest family time together I ever have, to a piano ~ violin recital thanks to Ms. Judy in Seal Beach, back to Torrance, to Fish Bonz for dinner, for a walk around the park with Patty and Auntie, back to her house, more yakking until midnight and up at 4:20am to catch a 7am flight home, wake up, get dressed, don't fall over from tiredness, take previously packed bag out to entry door, meet mom for ride to airport, board, fly home, get taxi, get car, drive home, arrive, greet bird and kitties, strip down fall into bed for a good 2 hour nap, wake up to alarm, get ready, apologize to glaring kitty for leaving again so soon, go to work, deal with crazy shit at work, get back in car, arrive home, rinse off huge decorations left all over new paint job by overgrown bird that sat above my car (seagull bird shit, in other words), water potted plants, lie on floor to love on forgiving kitties, catch up on computer fav's, and now here I am. It's almost midnight. Somehow I think my sleepless phase will have ended. Amen.

p.s. This post made me realize why I feel a bit exhausted! How do people who travel for work everyday do it???

Emotional Tsunami, Well Sort Of

2011-08-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

Actually, I might be better off having a good hard cry and walking around miserable for a few days than the emotional abyss I have been experiencing. It seems the death of my friend Susan has started some underground sub-current in my soul. Everywhere but in my relationship feels off and almost somewhat pointless currently.

Susan passed away on August 5, quickly and unexpectedly. I want to say she was 55 but I'm sure I am off with that number. (A quick look to verify and Susan lived to be a mere 58) But damn it, she was young. Too young to leave. Too many responsibilities left to tend to and a Granddaughter to finish raising. A retirement she earned that will never be enjoyed. It leaves me heartbroken, it leaves me angry. It is just not fair. I almost wish I'd been there by her side because seeing her at the end would of let me know if she was ready, if she found acceptance, or if she, like most of her life fought to make ground and move ahead and just keep at it. She was good like that. It was how she accomplished so much despite her health issues. Despite her broken hearts. Despite her disappointments. She did not give in or give up.

She lived her passion. Susan's passion was dance. Modern dance. Even after she was thrown through a plate glass window in New York one summer's day she somehow managed to recover and dance again. This was no easy feat, both her legs were nearly severed behind and below each knee. She had to redefine herself. Her body was a dancers. She had to look at the possibility that was no longer true and found a way to make it still so. Of course she had her limitations, but she could still amaze an audience. She could still choreograph. She still taught her heart out.

While I digress, more into Susan's life I realize that this post is about my malaise. Because, I am not living my passion. Not only that, the mere thought of being plucked from my life with only several days notice pisses me off silly. This is it? This is all there would be? Really, are you kidding me? I want more. I want so much more. It's not about the stuff, it's about being authentic. It's about friends. It's about family. It's about wonder. Travel, experience, meaning, love, joy, acceptance, expression, being excited to wake up to another day. There is so much more of those things I long for in my life. I think Susan's sudden departure has hit me smack dab in the middle of my third eye and like a pesky fly won't leave me be. But that is not a bad thing.

Dinner with Mom

2011-08-02T21:09:00.001-07:00

Mom and I had dinner at a wonder place called Tutta Bella in Belltown. She is in town for a week and half. We managed to kick off our first meal together in the sunshine and enjoying a very delicious, fresh, and tasty salad, bruchetta (above!), and amazing pizza with eggplant and roasted red peppers. It's not often we get to sit and just talk and enjoy. It was perfect!

Biased or Bi-esed?

2011-07-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

Who knows. So if you read my blog you either know me (thanks to my friends and family for hanging in there) or have read far enough back to know that I was previously married and before I met April. Yes, I am what some have call a, "switcher", "flipper", or whatever witty word you want to apply to stereotype me with for changing lifestyles. But here's the rub, I still know a handsome man when I see one. I still find men attractive. There is no explanation for this, it just is.

I don't worry about this too much by trying to put a title to it or name on it or make it mean anything. I love who I love, today. I am happier than I've ever been, more understood, more fulfilled, I have more of everything in my heart and life than I've ever had before but...people ask funny questions of me. Scrunch their eyebrows up when I notice beautiful men or darling young boys. It cracks me up, who cares a thing of beauty is still a thing of beauty.

Last night the restaurant had more than several of them. The two I had the pleasure of meeting were just perfect. The first one I got acquainted with was celebrating his 50th birthday. He looked amazing for 50, as well as his spouse. I made sure to go up and wish him a happy one. We laughed about the oddity of age and how it just didn't feel even possible to arrive at that number. Since I am quickly slididng into that year next, I find comfort in others who are just as boggled as I am by the fact I, "me," could possibly be that frickin' age! He, for certain, was in my club. I don't care who you are, but having someone wish you a happy birthday and telling you are extremely handsome and how happy you look feels good. We might not sing happy birthday but trust me when I say he left feeling like someone sang to him. And why not? Kind words genuinely felt and stated aloud are a wonderful thing to share, especially with those of us who are getting older!

Okay, and this pic of a young Paul Newman, come on'. Who does not see the beauty in the man? And I don't usually look twice at blonds, but as an old friend would say, "bubba, bubba!"

Moved In but Not Settled Yet!

2011-07-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

That's why you haven't seen me. I feel like I've got a case of terminal tiredness.

This is the shower curtain I found for the bath. Love it! It makes me happy to look at just like the yellow funky liner I put in the drawers in that same room. I'm such a geek for anything that makes me smile and proud of it!

Microbiology Finished

2011-06-09T11:51:00.000-07:00

Rest (Not In Peace!)

2011-06-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I thought I was getting the flu. My body ached. My head throbbed. All my body wanted to do is sleep.

Who could blame it? I've been pushing myself for the past ten weeks like crazy. Grand opening at Scuttlebutt, Mircobiology, and now another new restaurant with another new grand re-opening. Not to mention a entire wine list, drink list, and menu that is insane!

But truly, I felt like if I did not slow down I might be slowed for good. So I let myself sleep in this morning until 9:00 am. I am not looking at one word of Micro unless I can't sleep when I get home tonight. I've cruised my favorite blogs. I've got HGTV on in the background. I refuse to make myself focus. Okay, so I will keep reviewing the drink list and menu, but that is not like learning something brain defying.

I just realized if I keep pushing, there will be nothing left to push. So I sit here in my PJ's still, hair straight up in the air. Yes, it is sunny outside but I just need to veg. Maybe I will go sit on the back patio in a bit. I don't know. I just need a day without an agenda. Work at 4:30pm will be here soon enough.

Then 5 days of pure madness studying for my final and writing the extended lab paper that is due. I know it will go by faster than I can imagine!

Randomness Reminds

2011-05-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

Wow. Life can be so random.

I went into work on Wednesday afternoon looking for my bud, Sarah. I didn't see her truck in the parking lot, I didn't see her sweet face welcoming me to my shift. What I did find is someone who was there to work for her. What the heck? As soon as I asked him why, he told me.

"She is in California, with her sister," he said.

"Yeah, what why is she with Amanda," I asked because I knew she had just been there on vacation just a few weeks back.

"Oh, you didn't hear," he replied.

Then he told me the story. It is so bloody sad, and completely unnecessary and yet it happened. Two days ago, her brother-in-law passed away, two days before that he was "car surfing," and fell off his long board. Only problem is when he fell, he was not wearing a helmet. His head hit the pavement. End of story. Lights out. Done. Gone. Forever.

It's hard to think of the fact that he was an organ donor as a positive thing. He has changed the lives of many people and I'm certain those who have received his gifts look at it that way.

The guy is only 35 with a wife (Sarah's sister) and young daughter. He was professionally successful. He took good care of himself. Worked-out. I'm sure he thought something like this would never happen to him. How could he of, if he'd thought it through and could see what could happen I know he would have never done it.

I'm shocked at all the horrid people who feel free to make wildly inappropriate comments about this accident on-line. I'm shocked at the judgement. I know I am not the only one who has done some really dumb things and lived to tell.

For me, this serves as another reminder to enjoy each day. Look around, find something good. Something beautiful. Refrain from regret, anger, and resentment. Love the little things, love the big things, and one another. Because be it of freak randomness or many years well lived, we all leave this earth the same way.

Guilt

2011-05-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

I hate it. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for saying, "no thanks," because I just don't want to go out drinkin' tonight.

I feel guilty for somethings I can't explain here, but will be able to soon.

Guilt feels like a useless emotion, and yet I'm sure it serves some purpose.

Now if you read the definition below;

–noun

the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime,violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law;culpability: He admitted his guilt.

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense,crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs,etc.: to live a life of guilt.

I find it funny that I feel this way, because I've committed no crime. Yes, I may have been found offensive by turning down an invitation.Ick. But it's probably true. But do I think of it as a moral dilemma, no not really, how about an energy dilemma? Yep. Do I now feel remorseful, yes. I miss my friends. I am so glad they still text or call to even ask me out! I'm sure they think I never have any fun.

But it's there. Guilt. It is one of those things I need to let go of as part of my no-more-beating-me-up-anymore plan. I realize it is about time I become my own biggest fan, not anyone elses job, really. I just know how hard I am on myself. How about you?

I think it's time to let that go, because truly I've done nothing wrong. What I am guilty of is trying to take care of myself, and I can live with that.

This Woman's Voice

2011-05-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

is my favorite right now. She is so soulful.

Focus, Focus, Focus

2011-05-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

I am having such a hard time buckling down and not being distracted. And no, I don't want to take adderal to handle this issue.

There is only 2 weeks left of class and I have an unbelievable amount of work to do. In fact I don't have any idea how it will physically all be able to be completed, but I know I will.

So, with that I guess I turn off the Law and Order reruns that are keeping me company and finish another chapters worth of work. Sigh.

I. Am. The. Little. Engine. That. Could. That has, that did, and will continue to do so.

Crossing My Fingers, Saying My Prayers

2011-05-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

Please, please, please let me be the instigator of big changes this week. Oh and I'd like a little help from the universe who has usually taken care of me quite nicely. Prayers welcome and appreciated.

Are you still here?

2011-05-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

Oh good, I'm not alone.

Nice to see that just because you make a crazy declaration and it's published everywhere you look it does not necessarily mean it's true. Really???? Who knew????? Imagine that!

Oh, and what does good old Harold have to say for himself (and the second coming) today, as of 10pm???

This inquiring mind could care less what he has to say, just sayin'.

Stillness

2011-05-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

Do you know that feeling, of feeling rushed all the time?

In the back of my head are the four chapters I need to read, understand, and know by June 8th. The project I have due that I still have mounds to do to complete. The two quizzes on Tuesday. The two labs I need to write for the same night. Oh yeah and the interview I want so badly to go my way on top of ..the laundry, the dishes, the groceries, the cat food I need to buy, the shoes I need to return...do you know this devil of which I speak??? Oh my. The strange thing is, I often find instead of fueling me to keep going and move ahead, I find myself immobilized by all of this. Not a place I can allow myself to hang out, not a good place to even think of going to, but here I am. Yikes.

In some attempt at stillness, I made myself go to bed at 10pm last night. I never do that, and yes I actually fell asleep because I was tired. I know meditation would have been better, but the under side of my eyelids looked wonderful. Ha.

I think I need to get up, go change for work, head over to school and just work on my homework until I it's time to head out. That is the best discipline I have for today. Besides, at least at school will be minus the squawking bird who is determined to aid in helping me loose my mind!

This week has been

2011-05-19T22:44:00.000-07:00

a very suckie week.

I do not like drama. I do not enjoy it. I hate feeling like I'm going to cry. I hate feeling sick to my stomach. I do not want to feel anxiety. I don't like being afraid that I am going to get yelled at or be made a fool of.

I am hating it even more that all my close friends are far away. I am not liking that my family is far from me. That April is far away and attempting to talk on the phone, is just that, an attempt at best.

If I was a drinking girl, I'd be drunk. A drug addict, wasted or high but I am neither of those. I'm attempting not to "eat," over all of this, so it leaves me here.

In search of a voice. In search of the answers. Of how to flip the backwards week around, back to the life I do love. The life I wake up excited about having. The one that puts a smile on my face.

One of my best qualities is to awaken renewed, ready to start again, try again, and not give up. Resiliency could be made middle name.

I finally had a successful Gram Stain at class tonight. It might not mean much to anyone, but it means something to me. It means I can move forward on a project that is difficult and long and I only have two weeks to complete ~ but at least now I know I am headed in the right direction.

That is the same feeling I need to have in my heart again.

Onto Something

2011-05-15T17:38:00.000-07:00

Did you ever feel you were so close to something but still couldn't quite see it clearly?

That is where I am at today. I have really been struggling with school, most specifically because it is extremely difficult information (most will say microbiology is). In addition, quarters are only 12 weeks so you have to study all this information at break neck speed. I always end up feeling like I have no life. I don't have time for one if I want to pass these science classes and I hate that!

So, the reason I feel like I'm onto something is that I am wondering if I am going about this all wrong. I am so determined to get an education and real job, it really has taken me away from all the things I love. How will it be when I am actually doing that job? Will I feel the same?

What if I just started allowing myself to write more (as in everyday)? I love to write. I love giving voice to an idea. Expressing what is true for me. Saying something in my own way, with my own twist. What if I started trying to get published like I dream of? Do art. I can't even remember the last time I created anything physically, other than writing.

I just know I feel miserable and am not happy right now, but sadly I am the one who put myself in this position. I am the one who decided to try and get through the classes I so struggle with.

This all started with a women who I follow on Facebook who works with women and food addiction. Her name is Geneen Roth. Funny thing is a dear friend told me about her at least 10 years ago but I think I am finally ready to hear her.

This is the quote that got me thinking;

"Freedom from obsession is not about something you do; it's about knowing who you are. It's about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you can't have it.," Geneen Roth.

Right now, I feel like my work, my studies, everything but my relationship I find, exhausts me.

What to do, what to do.

I understand...

2011-05-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

the idea of wanting to "go postal," even though this a relatively old term it is how I feel today. I so badly want to lash out and hurt those who have hurt me with their favoritism and double standards. I have to admit I no longer have it in me to physically kill myself to keep trying to please someone who will never be pleased. Especially when doing so has never helped. It's official, I'm done.

Funny, I have a boundary with people in my personal life that if crossed too often I feel the same way about. I just get to a point where certain things just don't work for me (like someone I befriended who thought it was okay to yell at me) and then I am done. We are done. I knew it in my marriage, there was no counseling, no wishing, no trying again that was ever going to make it better. It was what it was. This is what it is. I. HAVE. HAD. ENOUGH. You don't get to keep trying to make me feel bad, or convince me I am lazy, or no good. I'm none of those things. You will never be able to convince me I am.

Happy Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-07T23:42:00.000-07:00

For all the mom's and their endless love,

the countless amount of times they washed and folded the same pair of soxs and undies and put them away,

the hours spent making sure we had meals together,

but taking the time to shop for the ingredients, bring them home, unload them, wash them and slice and dice them and then on top of all that cook them up,

the untold minutes spent cleaning,

the trips to the beach,

to the toy store, the shoe store, cheering me on,

for my mom specifically who let me pick out with great care the fabrics of so many of my homemade, beautifully sewn clothes,

the gifts, the cakes, the candles, the sleepless nights you sacrificed to make something come together just for me,

thank you.

I love you. Your sacrifices have not gone unnoticed. They are so appreciated.

You are appreciated.

Thanks Mom.

Negative Vs. Positive

2011-05-05T22:31:00.000-07:00

Which is it for you? Are you one of the people who naturally goes for the encouragement, support, high fives you did it crowd? Or are you on the OTHER TEAM, TEAM NEGATIVE?

You cannot imagine how many people whose first natural reaction is to question. To discourage. To ask why, oh why. To knock one down for their efforts. Point out how long it will actually take to do what you want to do (oh, and then continually keep asking, "Are ya done yet?"). Oh, and be so kind as to remind you of your age. Really? Really? Reaaaallllllllllly? Are you reading into this I am reading to start screaming, biting people's heads off, and getting overly defensive, then well you are correct-a-mundo. Oh yes you are.

I don't know why as humans it is easier for us to tear down than build up. Why is it easier to focus on the wrongs instead of rights. We ignore the 20 things about someone that thrill us, and focus on the one thing that drives us crazy. You know it's true. We have all been there. Just because it's true doesn't mean it doesn't suck. It does. It sucks big time.

Believe it or not, one of my personal beliefs is that we are all here to help one another. To make the journey easier, less bumpy, more joyful. Seriously, if we are not here to love and help one another out well then I truly don't why we are here. For me, it just comes down to something as simple as this ~ be kind.

I'm not feeling so kind lately. Work, pressure from a crazy project at school, just life in general but you know what, I'm still a champion for us all at heart. I want to be the one you remember who was in your corner. Who took the time to listen to you. Who told you that you could do it, that something bigger was out there for you than you could possible imagine.

I don't care how old I get, unless I'm dead or want to be a super model, I still believe it is all possible.

Without

2011-05-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

While I am thankful that my girl has the opportunity to work again, today I miss her. Talking on the phone is just NOT THE SAME.

And that is all I have to say about that, for today.

p.s. And she took the only consistent cat in the house with her, she should have taken Pidge!!!

Only Time Will Tell

2011-04-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, so the restaurant has changed locations.

Basically, everything but the beer is different, and even that has changed since we have the slowest bar tenders in town (today's set anyhow) and only one set of taps. I dunno.

Makes me sad because basically it feels like we have all been replaced by teenage bimbos and Red Robin drones.

It's loud, it's more crowded than ever, there are too many cooks (and yes the broth is spoiled for now), and no one seems too concerned. Consistency is just not there nor the care.

I think I may have worked there when it was at it's best and now the restaurant will go the way of the "Corporate Owned" Applebee's, etc... I'm just waiting to be asked to wear some "flare." That would send me to my knees laughing but honestly, it wouldn't surprise me.

The days of big money seemed to have ended as well.

Trying to be patient. A girl can only be broke for so long. Giving it a month, but going to keep my eyes open and start looking around. Probably about time I do that anyhow.

The Hunger

2011-04-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

So this thing called perio-menopause or menopause or whatever the heck is going on with my hormones is starting to concern me.

If you are a woman and reading this you will know the hunger of which I speak. Usually the day before my period starts I am hungry. Not just like hungry in between meals, but as in I feel as if I could eat a side a beef with chocolate for dessert. I feel like I just can't get enough to eat, enough to feel full. Satiated.

It is the 12th of the month. I should have started my period around the end of last month. I am not pregnant. Not, not, not. FOR THE THE LAST WEEK AND A HALF I have been hungry like I am the day before my period. I just want to eat. Even when my brain knows my stomach can't possibly be empty my hand still wants to bring food to my mouth. This is awful. It cannot continue. I will become bigger than a house if it does. That is no laughing matter.

I want to know, is this part of the hormonal change or have I just lost my mind. Who do you ask a question like that of???

Something New

2011-04-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

I started something new today and I was in training this morning. I didn't exactly feel like I had landed on Mars since the life forms were familiar but it was still all new territory for me.

I thought I would feel nervous but I was wrong. I thought I would be intimidated but I wasn't. I thought I might get lost in the huge building but I didn't. In fact, I felt quite at home in this new universe. That fact surprised me.

My trainer was a gentle old soul with a wiry sense of humor. I followed her all around to learn the ropes, meet the nurses, and figure out where the boards are. Pre-op, post-op, surgery wait, surgery sign out book were some of the places we rolled around too during my four hour tour. Surgeons unknown to me came in and out of surgery wait to speak to families. Some know for the kind manner some known for other manners entirely.

I am a new volunteer in surgery wait. Badge n' all. It even opens up the locked doors, woo-hoo! Sounds simple, but truly I found out there is much more to it than I anticipated. Rooms, stations, patients, hippa, nurses, doctors, families, short stays, up-dates,boards, communication, and more families. Another learning curve, but I am looking forward to this one!

Things That Stick

2011-04-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.

There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.

We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it.

And I hope you see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view.

I hope you live a life you're proud of.

If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

This quote is from the end of Benjamin Button. I came home from work and April was watching the film. I remember enjoying it the first time through and sat down to enjoy the last hour of it again. It is such a different way to live life, going from very old to new born. If you have not watched it, that will make no sense at all. I highly suggest take a quiet evening and treat your self to a tale. I love movies with narration and good story telling and this has them both.

I am so thankful that at 49 years old, I can still feel this way (most days!). It reminds me to disregard the naysayers. The people who shake their heads, who tease me, who just don't understand. There are still so many things I want to do, be, accomplish and be astounded by.

Officially Older Than...

2011-03-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

I care to admit!!! Age is a strange thing. I really never gave it much thought until I actually stopped passing for much younger than I am. That began to happen along side of being in a bad marriage. Funny how stress can effect us in ways we never thought of.

Then there is the sun. I grew up, sun kissed. Sometimes, often times, sun burnt. My little nose burnt and peeling more times than I could possibly recall. I am blessed with a smattering of freckles to prove it. As I've gotten older the residual of sun rays has transformed from freckles to moles and in some cases barnacles! (I swear that's what they look and feel like!)

There are the physical effects of aging, and other than my skin changing I really can't complain too much. I long for knees that don't creak when I walk upstairs but at least they still work and don't hurt. I am still hopeful that someday soon my period will forever cease, won't that be wonderful! An up side to getting older!

And speaking of the upside, there is the obvious I'm still here. Alive. A chance, a million, zillion little chances everyday to live. To do it well. Make a difference. Make someone smile. Make myself smile. Participate. Create. Love. Be. Isn't that what it really comes down to?

The number of years is only a bi product of getting to be in this fabulous universe just one more day. Today I think I'll take the trade.

Birthday Goobers

2011-03-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

We celebrated April's 41st birthday yesterday...we headed out to Archie Mcphee yesterday for some laughs and shopping. You know for those very necessary things like Jesus band aids, squirrel underpants, and April's very own toy paparazzi collection. They are mobbing her as I type on her PC. Very funny. Of course, we had to try out the photo booth, Elvis sunglasses and fake cigarette in tow. Whadya' think?

My other Favorite Blog

2011-02-26T16:54:00.001-08:00

The first blog I look at each day is http://elemenop123.blogspot.com/. I just love it. There always words of inspiration and art. Lots and lots and lots of art. Every kind of art you can imagine and some you can't. Like this sculpture made out of books, awesome.

Or funky house sculpture...

Or amazing oil paintings...

Or pictures made from maps, like this one...

Or globes, that make me want to buy them!

Or photographs that inspire me to travel...

This blog is so loved by me because not only is there art that is traditional, there is quirky, unusual, and pieces made of things one would never think could be used as a medium. This blogger is so good that she posts the names of the artist along with their web sites. A great place to go and explore.

On top of all this visual wonderfulness there is a daily quote posted. Words to live by, many of which I've re-posted here because I love them so. I am a die hard for words and art.

Pen is Mightier and Can be More Painful than the Sword.

2011-02-18T14:19:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but I am aware of who reads my blog. That being said, is one reason I have been so silent here. While I want to mull over my thoughts in writing, look for feed back from familiar souls, I am unable to for fear it will cause harm. I don't want to hurt the feelings of those I love. Maybe time for an anonymous blog where I can fearlessly say what I think? Maybe so.

I wonder how those who write for a living deal with this issue. They say to write what you know, and in this case I would be writing about situations that are known to me and how the make me feel. Truly, in this case reality is more surprising than fiction. The funny thing it is not one only one situation, but many. The topics deal with social behaviors, addictions, child rearing, marriage, divorce, infidelity, family relationships, self esteem, sanity or lack there of, and aging. Most of which I know about first hand and in close observation. What to do, what to do. What would you do? Do you think there are spiritual ramifications when you spill your heart out all over paper?

The Blog-Less Wonder

2011-01-30T21:42:00.000-08:00

For those of you who still bother to check in here and see if I am alive, I am.

It's not that I haven't wanted to write, but that the days seem to be fuller lately and by the time I think of sitting down to blog well the ideas have vanished. Brain dead. I also have been reading quite a bit, which is a nice change of scenery for me. I am loving this book, the Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet.

School update for today, two classes left and I am applying for Nursing School for this Fall/Winter. Get completely anxious every time I think about it but going to plunge ahead and go for it. Not in class this quarter due to a error on behalf of the communication or lack there of between nursing records office and college admissions office. By the time I caught the prereq debacle, all classes I could possibly take were full. Besides the fact that an inner office envelope and approval take days to happen, apparently.

This has been a good and bad thing. Good because I am working and not having to study. Bad because truly, it is really nice having a life. Hanging out with April, being social, actually doing things, not having to be in the library every weekend, seeing friends these are all activities I miss when in class. I don't want to get too used to it. It will have to come to an end again, sigh.

Planning on death carrying out death to cable when we return from Phoenix on the 9th, then I will have plenty of time to blather, I mean blog!

Wrapped Up in the Quiet

2011-01-04T09:12:00.000-08:00

of the morning is a wonderful way to start the day. It gives my mind time to just wander and think about the week. The month. The year. To think about the holiday and just how lucky we are in this small household of five and a half. (Yes, Pidge only gets a half count since he weighs under 10 ounces.)

This morning it feels as if the silence has swirled around me like a blanket. Keeping me comfy and warm, safe and content. Letting me in on the secrets my heart holds. Do more art, my unconscious whispers. Your body wants exercise (your mind as well), in the silence my mind can acknowledge this request. In the silence it is possible to hear these simple needs arise to the surface, not merely feel them as a distant rumbling. In the silence I feel the courage to move on and find employment that will serve me. I can feel the courage. I can feel the truth, that I am worth hiring. Who wouldn't want me on their team?

The silence in our home is sprinkled with play. Toupee is running in circles upstairs (how can a 8 pound cat sound like a wild heard of elephants all by himself?) trying to get Jack's attention to chase him. He is most always successful and the game of tag begins. The run, they tackle, they escape from one another and begin again. Pidge is serenading himself in the large mirror, loudly. He woof whistles at himself and then begins to sing. He is so in love, with his own image. Of course this song is interrupted by occasionally landing on my head to talk to me. The silence not quite so sound, but they are happy sounds that disrupt and I am thankful for them.

The comfort of the silence this morning makes offering up the cable box back to Comcast soon so much easier.

Christmas Baby

2010-12-29T18:25:00.000-08:00

On Christmas Day, Ashley (my nephew Brett's wife) gave birth to the first baby born on Christmas day in my family.

Blake Eli Johnson

9 lbs. 20 inches

Absentee Blogger

2010-12-29T18:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas is only a few days behind us, and already we are ready to move onto New Year's Eve. It all goes so quickly.

This year I found myself especially homesick. Missing my mom, feeling guilty that she is home alone on Christmas. Missing my family. Cousins, aunties, nephews, babies, the noise, the commotion, the whole works.

April and I had a nice, cozy, warm Christmas day. We opening gifts, stockings, and played games. Christmas Eve we saw Tangled, I loved the horse and the pet chameleon. They both make me crack up laughing. Ate good at the Tulalip Casino and headed home to relax. Enjoyed watching past episodes of Big Bang Theory, brainy humor but oh so funny.

I got hit with a cold that everyone has had a work and now just recovering. Still don't feel back to myself, but getting there.

More to come, lots on my mind...

Two More Days

2010-12-23T12:59:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, can you believe it?

I can still recall, as a girl how difficult it was to will my self to fall asleep on Christmas Eve. In our little house in Cerritos there wasn't much by way of insulation, and as I got older of course I waited and waited and waited for the sound of my parents leaving the living room. Santa had arrived! If I did fall asleep, I would awake at 3 am or 4 am and sneak out to the living room. There I would silently sift through my stocking contents (Oh the joy of a stocking!) and then onto the loot from Santa! Those quiet moments in the dark exploring all the new goodies. It was such a thrill. I don't remember when I stopped believing in Santa, but I know I played along for the sake of my much younger brother of many years. I didn't mind, I still love a good surprise gift.

My childhood Christmas were so generous, to this day it is one of reasons I tend to overboard at Christmas with gifts. Sometimes the number gifts around our tree would be go grand there had to be a six foot radius of them! Of course this included Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins but still so many presents!

I look back and think of all the hard work my mom did cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, and getting us all dolled up for the day and feel a sense of admiration and appreciation. I'm sure it was exhausting. I know my Dad stayed late many Christmas Eve's helping put all the gifts together, not to mention how hard he worked to provide it all for us. You really adapt such a different sense of the holidays once you are the one providing it! I am truly thankful for all joy they worked so hard to provide to us over the years.

In memory, I still think my favorite Christmas was during my teenage years. I got my own phone line in our house and a chair matching table for my bedroom. I loved it! I felt so spoiled! Of course, there was the Easy Bake Oven (5 I think), Barbie and all her accessories, the first Pong game my Grandpa got us one memorable year. So many Christmas' to remember, so much to be thankful for. I am happy to say Christmas once again is one of my favorite holidays and look forward to spending it with the LOML! Bring on the joy!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Time

2010-12-11T10:39:00.000-08:00

I just love this commercial for this holiday season. It reminds me of the excitement I felt when I was a girl waiting to unwrap all those beautiful packages under the tree. A time when it seemed like days were so slow to pass and it was going to be forever before Santa arrived. Hope you like it too! Oh to feel that enthusiasm for the holiday again!

Post Fall Quarter Review

2010-12-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

12 weeks goes extremely quickly, when it is actually only 10 weeks and Thanksgiving week is thrown in as well. This quarter went lighting quick. I won't say Medical Terminology was easy peasy, but it was NOTHING akin to all the horrific science classes I have endured. Labs and dead cats to dissected included. Finally, back on the A track and that feels good. Not having to go to the library and study is wonderful. Being able to read fiction or non-fiction for that matter and not feel guilty is a good thing as well.

Now we head into the Christmas season. Work has been painfully slow, which is never good on the pocket book this time of year. I have lost all enthusiasm for cleaning a building as old as God and as smelly as time itself (what we have to do when the restaurant is slow). Not to mention being managed by someone with severe OCD. Oh the fun there just continues.

My hope is that I can find somewhere in the medical arena to fit into for the next 9 months or so. I know I need to show some "hands-on" or "around" experience. (I have no idea if years of working as a Massage Therapy will be looked on as working with patients or not.) While applying to get into Nursing School. As they say, we shall see what happens.

Maybe it's the out of school let down, maybe it's just homesick, but I've captured a small case of the blues and am working on getting myself out of it.

Snow Days

2010-11-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

I did not grow up in the PNW (Pacific North West) as most of you who take the time to read my blather know so snow days are new to me. Those pictures I posted a few days ago were only the beginning. There is not only a good deal of snow all around the neighborhood, but ice as well. Ice is more the reason for snow days. Have you seen the videos of crazy humans trying to navigate up and down the hills in Seattle? It's almost embarrassing and it makes me oh so grateful for off the street parking. The last thing I want to wake up to is my car buried in a pile of car dominoes. This car sliding video was shot locally and is exactly of which I speak.

I told April yesterday, "If I was a kid, I'd be so excited!" But the truth is, I am excited! I am still working on collecting the proper gear to wear out in it but I still absolutely love it. She does not, so I need to find someone who wants to go "play." There are a few little ones in the immediate neighborhood that I might make a snow man with if the rain does not wash it all away, as predicted tomorrow.

I was off of work yesterday, which was good because due to the icy weather and horrible driving conditions they closed the restaurant. I due in there at 5pm today. I am hoping for another "snow day." Hot coco, movies, some studying, and layers of clothes and a blanket. You just can't beat that!

First Snow of 2010

2010-11-21T18:59:00.001-08:00

I don't know what it is about snow that is so magical but it is. I felt like a kid this morning when I opened the blinds to see it floating down from above. Just love it!!!

Retrospective

2010-11-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about people who hurt us. I was thinking of people who hurt us the most. Who are close enough to us to hurt us the most. Our parents, our siblings, our oldest friends, spouses, children.

I am a big believer in owning my own feelings and being responsible for having them in the first place. Yet sometimes I still choose to react by being hurt by the things others have done or said to me.

I don't know why, but I was thinking about being hurt, but I was. I was thinking about who hurt me the most, even if it was unintentionally. Strange how that is a completely different kind of hurt than loosing someone you love to death. The hurtful pain is there, but it unique. It goes in and twists around and back n' forth taking hold and causing destruction.

I look back and wonder why. Why it took me so long to see what I was willing to accept no matter how uncomfortable it was. I thought about what I helped create and was willing to exist in for much too long. I'm so tired of hearing the excuses and blame for reasons things happened. No manner of illness will ever excuse behavior that is never owned up to or responsibility taken for. Those apologies are hollow. They are worthless in my mind. In my heart. Like a broken record those excuses used play over and over.

Dr. Phil drives me buggers, but I love this quote from him, "We teach others how to treat us." I believe this is true. No matter how well or how poorly.

Supposedly, we learn from past mistakes. If this is true I would say I've must of learned something. Today I am with someone who adores me. Who seldom, if ever hurts my feelings. Who is respectful. Who listens to what I say, and remembers. Who treats me better than I've ever been treated in my entire life. I hope she'd say the same thing about me. I am thankful for the love I have today. Because of her, much of the hurt in my heart has been washed away. Of course, she could hurt me dearly because I have been willing to risk totally loving her. But because of who she is,it is a chance I was willing to take. I'm so glad I did.

Post Review Experiment ~ Day 7

2010-11-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday in our house is Seahawks football and sometimes Sounders Soccer. Yesterday was both.

But, I am getting ahead of myself. We got up early. We were actually at Starbucks by 8:15 am ON A SUNDAY MORNING!!! You are shocked I know, but truly not nearly as shocked as I. The interesting thing is that I wasn't even really tired. Met up with friends and had a good time laughing and talking for a good 3 hours. The time just flew by.

April and I were off to run our errands and arrived home somewhere around 2ish. She turned on the TV and we watched as the Seahawks got completely annihilated. Sad, sad, sad. It was easy to take a quick nap since there appeared to be no hope for the Hawks.

Since I had finished all my homework by Friday we caught up on Grey's Anatomy (a bit overly dramatic, if you ask me) and then onto the soccer game. Unfortunately, our Sounders were unable to beat the Galaxy. All the same, I know the Lewis family will be thrilled if Eddie ends his career with a Galaxy by taking the finals. That would be a nice way to retire! So, go Galaxy!! (Oh, and yes that means he plays with Mr. Beckham.)

But, all in all. I'm not missing the noise box so much. It's a good thing.

Experiment ~ Day 6 Rewind

2010-11-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

So, last night I did watch Sons Of Anarchy and Medium, that I had recorded during the week. Strange. Weird. Ummmm, here's what I noticed the most;

- Too, too many commercials. Loud, obnoxious, screaming "look at me," adds I couldn't fast forward fast enough to get through.

- On Sons, there is a lot happening at once. I noticed I felt a bit besieged by the images and "flashing" around if you will. I still get a kick out of the entire story line because it is so far removed from my life but it is very visually stimulating. I was glad I watched it first.

- I watched Medium, while I like the stories and her "gift," I really enjoy the relationship portrayed between husband and wife. It seems real, healthy, they struggle, disconnect and reconnect and keep going like life.

- Lastly, I've noticed that I've been falling asleep much, much easier without watching TV. Not to mention getting to bed much earlier. That is a good thing.

It was easy to turn if off once those two shows were done airing. It took me a really long time to watch both of them, but it did help me just settle down and relax after a long day and evening working.

My plan is to keep the TV off again this week, except for those programs I record. Will see how it goes...

Experiment ~ Day 6

2010-11-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

Worked a double shift today. My butt is kicked,time for some intentionally viewing. I'm going to settle in and watch one of the shows I recorded. Only an hour, will be interesting to see if it feels different.

Experiment Day Friday

2010-11-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

Wanted to watch last night when I came home but didn't. That was all for Friday, got lots of homework accomplished and my quiz so I could have Sunday free.

Experiment ~ Day 3 & 4

2010-11-05T11:35:00.000-07:00

WOW, who would of thought I'd get used to NOT having the TV on so quickly. Honestly! Truly! Now when I look at the big empty flat screen box sitting in the corner I'm not so pulled into it. In fact, part of me feels like if I turn it on it will once again return to sucking the life out of me. Ha, not really but it does sorta feel that way some days, right? Especially with all the political ads as of lately. Now comes the bickering about who really won, etc...

As a disclaimer, I do intend to watch my Netflix and Hulu from time to time. I will probably par-take in the shows I DVR 'd this Sunday. Glee, Sons of Anarchy, and Grey's Anatomy. I watched Amazing Race on Sunday last week, and will probably tape it again but as of today looks like we can live without the Cable and the Cable bill. S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E, who'd a thunk! But it's not gone yet, so I will report on the final, final outcome.

Experiment ~ Day Three

2010-11-03T22:20:00.001-07:00

I swear it's like going off a really good drug (not that I would know that personally but I've heard). The damn thing was almost calling to me this afternoon to be turned on, immediately! All I wanted to do was sit down and catch up on a favorite show I DVR'd. But dang it all to heck, I didn't succumb. Nope! Day three of getting used to quiet at home and I must admit tonight when I walked in the door it was actually wonderful. Funny thing, I can actually feel that I am tired. Normally, I would just sit down and watch TV to unwind. I feel like I wouldn't even notice that my body feels tired I'd just tune in and tune out, if you will. So instead I checked Facebook and I read a few of my favorite blogs (http://dooce.com/ and http://drgrumpyinthehouse.blogspot.com/) Had a good laugh and now here I am.

Another positive development and shocking truth is that the house is cleaner than I've kept it in months, maybe years!!!! Someone will love me for that! To top it all off I got almost an entire chapter of home work done today. Hmmmmm, this no TV thing just might be a good thing. It may take a while to adjust to but today it does not seem impossible. Well, not entirely.

Experiment ~ Day Two

2010-11-02T21:18:00.000-07:00

First, let me say how difficult I found it NOT to turn on the TV last night. I totally use it to keep me company, especially while I'm doing homework and when 10:00 pm rolled around it was like I had an itch I needed to scratch. I didn't but man it was darn near impossible.

Once again this morning I wanted to know what the weather was expected to be like and I almost automatically turned on the TV when I came downstairs. Today I had to remind myself not to and I did not. Just looked on-line for the report.

I think today was easier since I was out and about all day. Had the fortune of having the day off and was able to spend time with Cristi and her mom, Bonnie. They were here for Eddie's soccer game Sunday night and stayed a few extra days. We got so lucky and had absolutely beautiful weather and headed out for Bainbridge Island. One of my fav's. Had a delicious lunch at the Harbor Pub with an amazing view of the harbour. Drove around the island to site see and dropped into one of my favorite nursery's, Bainbridge Nursery. The colors all over the island looked like a combination of fire and gold. Just stunning. Made a quick stop at a new candy shop called Bon-Bon's and headed back to Seattle. Hope they made their flight, if they did it was with few minutes to spare. It was great to catch up with one of the oldie-but goody friends and her mom.

Long drive home, but not too bad. Only a bit of stop n' go. Since April is working so late it is actually nice not to have the TV on and spend the time catching up and reconnecting. I still haven't gotten used to how quite the house is without it.
One thing I realize for certain is that I use the TV also as a way to relax. Like tonight, I'm too tired to study, don't really want to read (too tired now to focus) and while turning the TV on would be nice I see that just heading up and taking a shower and hitting the hay is probably the best choice. So no TV = not staying up too late tonight. That is a good thing.

Experiment ~ Day One

2010-11-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

For quite sometime in my household we keep talking about getting rid of cable. That is our Comcast Cable. It seems that no matter which one we try they all end up costing about $120 bucks a month or more. It seems like such a rip off when I count the number of houses that probably have cable just on my block alone, not to mention paying for "high speed" internet.

Today was supposed to be "D" day for the cable. But...we were at breakfast Friday morning and just couldn't agree on what to do. It wasn't that we were arguing, but really I just can't decide either way. Of course the practical part of me says let it go. Let it go. The other side of me says, it's now getting colder. We will be home more. We have shows we like to watch and look forward to them. Football Sundays. I realized the justifications could go on and on and on. So, April told me to pick a number, one or nine. I picked nine. Nine we keep it, one we let it go she decided. It came down to our friendly waitress Hannah then picking one or nine. She picked nine. Ha. So for now, it's still connected.

Here's the thing, I'm going to do my damnest not to turn it on this week. First of all, I want to see if I can. If the quiet in the house will drive me bat shit crazy or not. Second of all, I want to see if I will miss it. I figure a week should tell me. I still have my computer. I still have homework. I still have a good book I'm reading. New recipes to cook, cleaning, visiting with friends, etc...

The funny thing is I realize what a habit has become to have it on in the background. I have always turned it on when I am home alone. This morning after I showered and got dressed I came downstairs and low and behold, even though I had consciously already made this decision I hit the button to turn on the TV. It is just that automatic. I immediately re-hit the button turning it off, but it surprised me that I even did it. Is having the TV on that buried in my subconscious? Seems so.

So, dinner is almost cooked. With April driving an hour each way and working 10 hour days, she will appreciate that. Of course, now there is no excuse for being rushed with any studying. In fact, quite a few projects have already come to mind to complete. So, day one has about 6 more hours in it. Let's see what else comes to light with the TV turned off.

Walking

2010-10-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

in the neighborhood today and wanted to shoot some pictures of the local Halloween decorations. I took 2 pics and the batteries in my camera were ka-put! Luckily, I had already decided to walk to the local Bartels for a few essentials so I picked up some batteries as well.

Hopefully the sun will be shinning bright tomorrow morning and I will be able to get out and snap some festive shots! Love this time of year...

This shot is from Tad's lovely home in Connecticut, it is known as Pumpkin Hallow. Perfect for this time of year!

Punkin' Lovin'

2010-10-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

My friend Tad has taken to posting a "pumkin a day" on Facebook this last week or so. I think it is a great idea. He is also the one who posted the American flag every day for a month before the 4th of July. I'm going to set out in my own neighborhood this week to scout for great pumpkin pics but I just love these shots of white pumpkins. It's a good place to start!

These lil' ones remind me of entire bulb of garlic!

I had to post this one since it looks like the centipedes are spelling out my initials.

Shabby Chic Porch

The Last One Got Me Thinking

2010-10-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

Writing about the LMP aka the Last Menstrual Period, got me thinking about my first one. It is one of the funniest stories of my teenage life, except I wasn't even quite a teenager yet. I was in sixth grade. I was eleven. Eleven for god sakes! I was the ONLY sixth grader to have to bring a purse to school. Oh yay me! Not!

I started my first period in the summer. We were on a family vacation at the river. For those of you who don't know, the river is now a common destination for jet skiers, wake boarders, and people who want to get way out of control and party. But during the era of our visits to the river we mainly water skied and tubed. It was not crowded. It was hot. Hot, as in 100 to 115 degrees easily in the summer. In other words, unless you were in the water or had air conditioning to escape to, it was my idea of miserable. This was before my parents had a mobile home. They had a very small travel trailer and we had no air conditioning. It was unbearably hot and my bunk was on the very top front of the trailer. At our campsite in the Wheeler Inn, there wasn't a tree or sign of shade any where near our small metal box. So imagine this as my refuge.

As I said, these trips were mainly spent water skiing. We also floated around in inner tubes, took running starts and jumped off the dock, and for a longer float jumped off the point and into the river. The current would carry us away towards Big River. My guess at least 80 percent of the day time was spent under or in the water!

I was the proud owner of two very white water skis. I still skied doubles at the point. I was out on a run with my dad at helm of the ski boat. I had gone on the usual tour of up towards Blue Water Lagoon, onto the small damn, and back around. To bring me in Dad headed for the spot on the inlet that we had set up for the day. On shore sat the gang watching my landing. While I was skiing, for reasons I'll never know, I looked down at my skis and they were covered with very dark polka dots all over them. I had no idea what it could have been. They just kept coming. Strange, very strange. As I headed closer into shore, I became more concerned. I had been skiing since I was 6 years old, so I had no fear of coming in very close to the shoreline. As I flew in, I basically ended up stepping right out of my skis and came running up onto the sand. While that was cool, I remember calling for my mom to come over to me. I landed gracefully enough to show her my skis. She looked puzzled at first, but it quickly must have dawned on her. I remember her putting her arm on my shoulder and leaning in to talk to me.

The thoughts inside my head sounded something like this; Urgh!!!! What!!??? It can't be!!!! It's total bathing suit only weather. Pads just don't survive water!!!! It's only Tuesday!!! What will I do for the rest of the week???

Suffice to say, I did survive but it was one long and miserable week. I was stuck in a bathing suit top and shorts. At least I could still ride in the boat. I spent more time in that hot little travel trailer than I care to remember. I had cramps. Man oh man, did I have cramps! So, I began my very first period while water skiing. Now it makes me laugh. And I think the story kinda goes along with the rest of my quirky life.

The LMP

2010-10-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

This post is not for the stuffy at heart, or the squeamish, or the ones who don't discuss bodily functions. You have been forewarned.

Imagine this, a woman looks forward (in the strangest way?) to this day, so much so, it has its' very own abbreviation in my Med Terminology course. I for one can say, yes at this point I am ready for it. Or really the end of it! This awaited event has come to be known as; LMP. Otherwise known in medical circles as (please hear the drum roll in your head) The Last Menstrual Period. Period. Amen. You. Are. Done. With. It. Forever. Ah, the joy of that idea. The thrill of it. The absolute downright frickin' oddness of it. Will I finally begin to feel my age because of it????

About 10 years ago, when this crazy journey of periomenopause began I did not have a period for 9 months. And, no not because I was pregnant and had that baby carted off secretly to Botswana. It's a long story, one I will continue on some other post but it lead me to a little insight what the future would someday be like. Easier. Calmer. No more once a month day where I swear the flood of the century occurred within my womb. Or I should say came out of it. If men bled like this there would be a paid day off once a month, no questions asked. Ever. At. All. Understood. It was and still until recently is a pain in my proverbial ass. It is an issue at work, who can run into the can every hour to "change" out her tampon when you are working a 4 to 6 hour busy shift. Usually not me. Who can stand to where a damn pad, just in case? I'm sorry, but not me. They still feel something akin to a diaper that is just in the way when walking. Don't get me wrong, on a really bad day (while working) I've had to, but I detest it.

Oh, and how about trying to sleep when your nether regions have turned into a non-stop faucet of red? Right, sure, uh-huh. Liar, I know you can't sleep well then either. I roll from side to side, trying to never lie on my front or back for fear of leaking all over the bed. Yes, even through the mattress pad. Never mind the sheets, blanket, and duet cover. Gross. I've tried sleeping on top of a towel. Yeah, that really works. For who? Not me, one move and it ends up all tucked up under me and around me. It's anywhere but where it should be. Annoying. I'm bleeding like a mad women as if I'm not annoyed enough I am tangled up in my own bed in one of my least favorite towels. Great.

How about those favorite panties? You know the ones you liked so much you bought four or five of because they were just perfect. Ha, one forgetful morning when you no longer are keeping track of every 28 days and wah-la no more perfect panties. Euwieeeeee. Now they are just yuckie and stained. Again.

Okay, and this is just the plain ugly truth. Some days I bleed so heavy if I am not careful it will run down my leg and all over everything just moving from the loo to the shower or vice versa. Told you it was ugly. Men wonder why we get grumpy. P-L-E-A-S-E. Never mind the fact that I may not have my contacts in and see this and leave it unknowingly. There is that to deal with on top of it all.

There be little mention of the embarrassing leaks, the painful cramps, the seven days of pure hell until I finally found a miracle called "the pill," the torture of putting in and wearing my first tampon, and lastly the fear of having an unwanted pregnancy when I was younger. Most of these lovely side dishes are well known by all of us who are women.

All of this said, no wonder it has earned its' own abbreviation. LMP indeed, bring it on, bring it on. Oh, and hurry up about it, would ya please.

For Today 10/7/10

2010-10-07T16:03:00.001-07:00

I Want Wonder Woman's Gold Bra and Bracelets, Please

2010-10-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

My teflon is wearing thin. I joke with April to respray me before any "big" thing or possible uncomfortable situation but lately it has not helped.

My emotional and mental ability to protect myself has diminished away to a very thin layer. A very, very, very thin layer.

About three weeks ago, each day at work became what I dub, "hell," day. Kinda like hell week all high school football players went through each summer, only this lasted for almost two weeks solid. It's dribbled into almost each shift I've worked since then. It sucks. The screaming mimi I am employed by thought it was a good thing he actually managed not to scream at me on the last crazy Friday.

I've tried every angle in order to bring some semblance of harmony into my work life. Those of you who read this know I can get along with just about everyone, it has been rumored I should have gone to work for the UN. I am usually that good at negotiating peace. But not in this situation...NOT. AT. ALL.

Why am I penning this off this morning? Because I am due at work in a half hour. I don't want to go there today, tomorrow, or ever again. Until this week I could still manage to show up with a smile of my face and look forward to the day. For some reason, I just can't sum it up anymore. I feel defeated. It has become personal.

My glass is half full attitude is drained. I have been looking for job possibilities but so far I see a big fat nada on the horizon.

So this morning, I pray for embodiment of Lynda Carter. I just need my damn teflon back, now!!!!

The Line

2010-09-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

Somewhere, you have to draw a line. A line where you choose between right and wrong. Moral and immoral. Good and evil. Accepting or judgmental. Standing up or falling down. Respect for privacy or public knowledge.

Dharum Ravi and Molly Wei made a choice, and as far as I am concerned and they crossed that line from decent to indecent. They crossed that line in a very big way. They not only crossed it but they did it in roaring fashion, rubber burning, dirt flying, cars like streaks blazing by in a fury. Only the fury they caused broke someone. It broke him so big and wide, he couldn't see any possibility of a life because of it. This story breaks my heart as well. You can read about it here.

When will people learn we are all made out of flesh and bone, want and desire, and the need for love? When will people learn to be respectful of all others despite our supposed differences? You know I always joke that I don't care if you are fucking a goat, as long as you and the goat are happy. That said, what I mean is that if there are two consenting adults what you do behind closed doors is no one's business. Truly, that is what I believe. I don't care what the Bible says. I don't care what you believe it says, or any other manifesto you subscribe to for your life (or after life) guideposts. All I ask is that just like I do for you, you do for me. I respect that fact that we are all entitled to our own opinion. It does not make you wrong in my eyes, just different. What you think of me, is really none of my business. I try to live my life in with that in mind.

All this said, it makes me so sad that these two people took it upon themselves to post a video so personal and intimate. If it was a straight couple, I'd be just a angered. Words like personal and private scream out in my head. Forget trust and consideration, after all school's only been in session for a few months so I'm betting that no bond was formed between the men as roommates. At least I hope not, if so that must have felt like an even bigger betrayal.

I can only imagine the pain Tyler Clementi must have felt. It must have been total and complete with no sign of relief or end in site. Sadly, this is the only thing I can assume since he will never be here to comfort. Never be here to ask. Never be able to hear the words from his family that they love him. Accept him.

There is talk of treating this as a hate crime. This is a tough one for me, since the longest sentence allowed is 10 years. When it comes to punishing Ravi and Wei I am perplexed. How do you deliver justice, when nothing will bring back this boy's life. He was 18. Only 18 years old. How many years of a life did Tyler miss out on? Would he have lived to a ripe old age, was he a risk taker, does illness run in his family? I wish we could sentence them for unknown amount of years that Tyler would have lived. Extremely harsh, I know.

In essence, I realize that they did not literally kill Tyler. But words once spoken can never be unheard again and video once put on the Internet can never been unseen again. It will be out there for all eternity. This is the greater crime in my eyes. What they did can never be undone, how do you punish someone for that? Is there a sentence that would be fitting? In a way, at least three lives could be forever changed because of their actions. I don't think they ever intended those to be their own.

Witness to Happiness

2010-09-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

Homesick. I got so home sick the other day watching this family celebrate birthday's together. They were a big group, mostly sisters and one brother 8 of them total I think. Since they live all over the united states when they all get together they celebrate one another's birthdays.

There was laughter, lots and lots of laughter. Funny cards. A typed up poem on a special piece of paper for each one of them. I don't know what it said but I overheard one of them say it it made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

This family celebration made me miss my family, so much. All the lunches with my Mom, Auntie, and cousins where we caught up over a meal. Where the laughter was easy and always present. The holiday celebrations where the meal was ever delicious and the one thing you could count on was kids everywhere. Kids who grew, and grew, and grew so tall that any hope of me not being the shortest one in the family died. Weddings with smiles and tears and beautiful brides and happy grooms. Cute flower girls and nervous ring bearers that made each ceremony complete. Baby showers. Cousin parties. Even funerals, at least we had one another for comfort.

I miss them. The loudness. The insanity. The thoughtful presents. The smiles. The hugs. And most of all the laughter, I miss hearing their laughter as it crested over the room down the hallways and back into my heart.

Compilation, or Where Did My Summer Go?

2010-09-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

So, if you've checked in to read my blog you've noticed I really haven't posted much this last 3 months. I really intended to but first, being out of school was such a relief I was off the computer more (I wanted to have a life and be involved, not head buried!); second, I have been working more this summer and we were busy (not much has changed there-still the bosses favorite whipping girl), and lastly we have had visitors for about a month solid. While it is fun, I wish the visits were spaced apart so we could enjoy them more and each other in between! Who knows, with the negative post I put on Facebook about Fox News and Glen Beck, my father-in-law swears he won't be back. I can only hope he was kidding. I'll just say, I'm glad I have no addiction to any news channel no matter how biased or unbiased it may be. I find the constant news on the TV to be exhausting.

This summer left me with a Christmas wish list of sorts, it is as follows;

I pray that as time passes I can continue to grow as a person. Try new things. Stay away from eating the things I know will trigger my stomach like an inner tsunami. That when telling a story the time and day of week things happened are not relevant to it's "just". That while my muscles still move correctly, I exercise them enough to keep them moving that way. That I remain capable of cultivating conversation with those I love, those whose opinion is completely opposite to mine, and new friends for a very long time. That even though I am older, I remain open and playful. That my face adopts a permanent semi-welcoming smile so I am approachable. And lastly, that I always have enough resources to color my hair. A vain but simple wish, really.

Oh, and very, very lastly there's no friends, like your old friends. Thanks to Lisa Crisp-Koehler for making sure we got to spend time together while she was here!

Changing Values

2010-09-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

After my horrible marriage, where I tried to create what I thought I wanted, I made a startling discovery-the things I thought were important to me are not. Not so much at all. The perfectly quaffed living room. Curtains. Rugs. Probably the only things the only thing I'm still unable to resist are art or things that make me smile. Luckily, April agrees.

You know the feeling and the presence of which I speak, "Hi, welcome to my beautiful home..." Like my Dad's house. It is beautiful, no doubt, but other than the back family room and the kitchen I feel like I can't move or breathe in it. Not that it's too much or too showy, it just isn't me anymore. I don't covet perfection, I covet enjoyment. I covet comfort. I want you too feel at home in my house. I will never forget one of my overnight stays there, in the guest bedroom with all white sheets, all white towels in the bathroom, even the palest of carpet on the floor. Can you guess what time of the month it was for me? Like the worst of the 5 days and not a "safe" thing to use or sleep on in sight. I barely slept for fear of causing ruin. While it's beautiful, it's just simply too much for me.

I don't spend much time shopping. I guess the cost of an education has become more important than a new seasonal wardrobe. Recently, my sister-in-law asked me how my place is decorated. I laughed. My first thought is with love. There is no shabby chic or modern or theme. It's just a big ol' comfy couch, a few comfy chairs, and a flat screen. Yes, we do like the newer things, I'm just not so willing to go into hock for them anymore. After three years together, April and I just bought a new comforter and sheet set. It took that long for it to become something that was important, and mostly that was because one of us likes to sleep wrapped up like a burrito (king size makes that issue disappear!). While I like it, it doesn't make me swoon. It's just something that is.

I think the other reason I've changed my ways of thinking about new things is this: they only stay new for a very short time. In my married life, two days after the delivery of a beautiful new dining room table, I happened to spy one of the cats on top of it. This was not good but what followed was worse. As Moe started to slip to the side, she dug in her claws and slid all the way off of the perfect new wood. She slid from the center I might add, leaving a very deep set of cat claw marks across it. Sigh...so much for new. It was ours for ever after that.

Someday, when I'm done with paying for an education maybe shopping will once again fun. The catalogs will arrive and I will order five of something I like just because I can. I will see a funky $700 chair that goes perfectly with the lamp next to it and bring it home. But for now, I'm fine with my new values. Happy certainly looks better on me than a cool looking living room ever did.

A Surprise to His Wife

2010-09-03T23:57:00.000-07:00

Faking this injury eventually back fired, but he swore he had a groin injury. Joe had convinced the massage therapists I worked for he had a badly pulled groin. According to him he received this painful injury while playing baseball.

He would come in for massage therapy, usually once a week. He was a client of the twin sisters that owned the business, thankfully. Only, every now then they would both be on vacation - leaving one of the other "team" to end up having to work on Joe. Ugh.

I will never forget having to massage this man. Let's just say that it was probably one of the most awkward situations I've experienced. Now, I know how painful a real groin pull can be, and trust me when I tell you I was in no way convinced this man was in any pain. If anything, by all appearances appeared to be completely enjoying the experience. If ya know what I mean! How embarrassing, not only was he at full mast, but there I am as a therapist have to work around it. Literally! It was just ridiculous. Thank goodness he was not my regular client, I would never had had the patience nor the trust.

Joe came in for regular massages the entire time I was employed at the health club, it had to have been at least several years he was receiving this special attention. Unfortunately for him, he ran into one of the "team" members while on vacation with his wife in Las Vegas. They said hello and made small talk until Tone asked the million dollar question of him: "So how is that groin injury you had worked on? Are you finally recovered and doing better?"

I can only imagine the look on his face. I can only imagine the look on his wifes face!

Apparently, when this question hit the air she hit him with, "What groin injury?"

He then mumbled something to my coworker and they made a quick departure. Tone said it was pretty funny, he had been just as suspect of Joe as myself.

I knew it! I knew it! I just about died laughing when I heard this story because I never did believe he was injured, just a big ol' pervert. Now, not only was he just a big perv, but his wife knew as well! I imagine this was his most memorable trip to Vegas, ever.

The Perfect Day

2010-09-03T16:06:00.000-07:00

You know the kind of day I mean, when the sky is bluer than you can recall ever seeing, ever. Little tiny bright white puffy clouds that look like cotton balls littered all over the horizon. The enormity of it just endless.

I wonder why it is that this kind of day makes anything feels possible. Even the next two years, even endless hours of studying, and hours of sacrifice that you pray will pay off. Because of days like today, and messages from good friends who believe in me somehow I know I will make it through. Thanks.

Trying Out New Recipes ~ And Making A Few Up as I Go Along

2010-08-19T21:05:00.001-07:00

One of the things I love about NOT being in school is that I have free time. Free time equals more time to be creative. Taking photos, changing the color of some furniture, writing, painting (okay, so I have some ideas but nothing on canvas), and cooking!

This week I came up with a cold chicken thai noodle salad. Loved it! Teriyaki chicken, cucumber, fresh bean sprouts, carrots, cilantro, very finely chopped celery, and green onions. The peanut sauce recipe was oh so easy (I had to improvise a bit since I didn't pick up the coconut milk at TJ's when I saw it!). I cooked up the spaghetti noodles, tossed it with the veggies, chicken, and peanut sauce, and dinner was served. So easy to put together as well, and tasted even better on the second day after everything was chilled through completely.

A few weeks back I made a dinner salad based on the idea of Caprese Salad.You know the one, fresh basil, tomato slices, and fresh buffalo mozzarella cheese.

I happen to like it with a bit of balsamic, EVO, and kosher salt. So, I mixed some romaine lettuce up with fancy mixed greens to begin. I added fresh tomato, chopped up basil, TJ's marinated mozzarella balls, and amazing croûtons from the farmers marker (what a deal, a buck fifty for a bag of multi grain bites of deliciousness). I topped it off with a mix EVO, balsamic vinegar, pressed garlic, black pepper, and Italian spices. It was so delectable.

I would love to tell you I have made an amazing salad like every night, but no. Thinking that will be something I have to start doing with some of the things I have in mind, but sure have had fun experimenting with dinner!

Tonight, first try at real Buttercream Frosting for cupcakes I'm making to take to work. Onto the powdered sugar awaiting me in the one woman kitchen!

p.s. I would be happy to pass on any recipes! I will try to link them here, as well.

Friends Who Write

2010-08-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

Since I seem to be all talked out/written out these days I thought you might enjoy reading some great stories by my friend Keith. Keith is a writer for the O.C. Register and can tell a good yarn. He has been in Lithuania with his son and his boys baseball team. Makes for great reading, if

you' d like.

http://fromthedugout.ocregister.com/2010/08/06/lithuanian-adventure-achoo-very-much/62641/

http://fromthedugout.ocregister.com/2010/08/07/lithuanian-adventure-spreading-baseball-good-will/62683/

http://fromthedugout.ocregister.com/2010/08/08/lithuanian-adventure-long-distance-connections/62777/

If you are my friend on Facebook, you can also go to Keith Sharon's page and see his photos. Pretty Cool stuff!

A Bit Of England, Thanks to Marianne

2010-08-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

I just had to post these photos that Marianne took while she was in England. I think they are wonderful. I think "The Gate," is my favorite. Enjoy!

Heat Wave Rolled Right Over Me

2010-08-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

So, it was hot yesterday. I mean really hot especially for the PNW. I think it almost hit the 100's. It was so warm April and I came home early and just moved as little as possible all afternoon. Really.

It was so hot, that when I decided to go to bed I forgot there was chicken cooking in the oven. (Thank goodness April reminded me.) The bird did not get covered up, luckily he was just fine this morning. While I remembered to take out my contact lenses, I completely forgot to put any lids on the case. And I thought the heat had not really effected me yesterday. Obviously I was wrong!

The heat is still here, and it should make for a very interesting day at good ol' non-air conditioned restaurant.

Egads, I'm thinking I should just call in and go float somewhere for the day!

Random with a Film Rating

2010-08-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

Now, while unlike the crowd I haven't read the book (been reading others!) I did watch the film last night. Nothing on cable, didn't feel like reading, and wanted to be entertained. I was.

I love suspense and thriller films. Not to the point of horror flicks, but edgy not silly. This fit my tastes perfectly. Cunning, smart, several very intriguing plot lines going on simultaneously. Set in the beauty of Sweden. Subtitles or no, this is an excellent ride.

The main characters involve a journalist, a "researcher" (I say this ever so loosely because truly she is a master hacker obtaining information that many of us would love to be able to access), and a very wealthy family. The family at their core is outnumbered by sick and twisted members who came of age during a time when being a Nazi was acceptable. The one family member who still has a heart is searching for his missing niece some forty years after her disappearance. The search for her plays out among the drama of Lisbeth's life and it's unexpected collision with Mikael's.

There is a hearty dose of violence, black-mail (with a sick retribution I so enjoyed), an odd love story, a history lesson, and an excellent ending.

It is rather long, so make yourself a big popcorn with a hearty glass of water ever it is you enjoy and watch this film. You won't be disappointed!

p.s. April has read the series of the books and was thrilled with the film actually followed the story line extremely close!

Neglect

2010-08-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

I just haven't had it in me to sit down and organize my thoughts. At least not enough to a point where they can be followed or make sense.

So, unlike everything else, I am choosing to check in only on occasion and give voice to my words.

I guess lately, it seems like there are demands everywhere you go. Go to the Co-Op to shop for better/greener ways to live and you are hounded by the "Save the National Forest," girls. It went something like this...

"Blah, blah, blah, are you with me on saving the forest and rain forest?" she said.

Oh, for the love of Pete, like I could possibly say NO or better yet, yeah I'm for slashing and burning the entire forest and building crappy track homes all the way to the top of Mt. Rainer. Really? Is there a good answer to that not so innocent question?

"Oh, yeah and all we need is a monthly donation that comes right out of your checking account or credit card," she smiled sweetly and said.

I don't know. It just seems like everywhere I go, someone wants something from me. And. I. Am. All. Tapped. Out.

Please, Keep Him Brain Tumor Free 8/1/10

2010-07-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

I recently had a conversation you usually wouldn't expect to have happen between waitress and her customer. After the common pleasantries were exchanged, it went something like this;

Rich, “So yeah, they want to see me back at the U W six months earlier than planned. I hope it isn't a sign that my tumor is back.”

I knelled down next to the table because the topic just seemed too personal to stand up and listen where others could see me or hear me respond. I really had to work to put on a brave face although the tears were close to spilling. I truly don’t recall exactly what I said but something close to I sure hope his brain tumor is not back and I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. What words fill in the silence when you are talking about a person’s own sickness and possible death?

At that moment, his co-worker and now driver, Perry piped in and told me that his sister-in-law has leukemia and has been given a year and half, at best to live.

“Wow,” I replied.

“What do you do then, really, what do you do?” I asked.

“I guess that is when you realize it really is all the little things that make life worth living,” I feebly replied.

Talk about feeling somewhat awkward, but at the same time almost privileged. I know these men are not drunk, they are regulars, and they have truly good hearts and souls. Especially Rich, we have always enjoyed talking to one another. There is just a twinkle in his eye and a kindness in his heart.

As my boss put it, “He just looks like a nice guy. The kind of man you want to sit down with and could really talk to.” He nailed it.

This is a man with two grown children, a wife, and a dog. He’s had a long career at Boeing. He can no longer drive himself because ever since the brain tumor appeared he has lost his since of equilibrium. He has the most beautiful huge blue gray eyes surrounded by long thick eyelashes. He is tall and lean, leaner more so now that he has cancer treatment.

The intimate conversation continued.

Rich said, “It’s the little things, and relationships Jamie. It’s what we have with one another. It’s the people we have in our lives. It’s how we treat one another really it all comes down to having each other. Friends, like you Jamie. How you treat us.”

Now the lump in my throat is the size of a giant meatball and I was choked up. But, I knew exactly what he meant. It’s why we like one another, he gets it (what I think life is all about) and I understood him perfectly. All we have is now. All we have is our actions and words. How we treat ourselves. How we treat one another. Taking the time to notice the little things. Colors. Smells. Breezes. Trees. Babies. Sounds. Tastes. Kindness. Generosity.

Truly simple things, that somehow gets lost.

I realize he reminds me of my favorite Uncle. He is the one who passed way too young from pancreatic cancer. They have a similar way.

I’m so glad to have people in my life that I know it’s safe to be real with me. I’m so glad to have people in my life that can accept my candor. He is the only customer I hug, and I don’t care what anyone thinks. They just don’t get it.

An addendum to this post; Rich got good news. He is clear and released from his doc's from the U for the next 2 years! Happy Tears!

Hiatus

2010-07-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

Main Entry: hi·a·tus

Pronunciation: \hī-ˈā-təs\

2 a : an interruption in time or continuity : break; especially : a period when something (as a program or activity) is suspended or interrupted

I have actually been working but really enjoying my time away from studying, attending classes, and more studying. I have decided to make it official and announce my hiatus. I will be back at the end of the month, but for now I just want to go out and enjoy the sunshine! Be back soon!

April and I on the 4th!

2010-07-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

Something to Say

2010-07-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

When school is in, I rarely watch movies. I don't read any fiction. I find myself consumed with everything I have to learn. The sciences are nothing like child development studies, trust me.

The strangest thing is that now that I'm off, doing those things on my days off I find myself feeling guilty. Yes, guilty. Crazy, isn't it?

I think it's because along with very little social activities, I also don't do much at home. As in cleaning, maintenance, shopping, etc...I feel bad about that as well.

So, here I sit on my day off. I just finished watching Grey Gardens. Wow. Such a tragic and colorful story. I have a mental list of things to do. Honesty, I could sit here all day (despite the sunshine!) and just relax. But, I know me. I won't. I feel like I have to something ~ at least clean off my desk and some laundry!

Guilt is such a strange thing, amazing to me that on this beautiful summer day I should feel it, but I do!

It Finally Feels Like...

2010-07-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation. Finally.

Honestly, when did traveling to go on vacation become so much like work and just feel like it too. No offense to my hosts, but my Georgia trip did not much feel like a vacation. Next year, I will either plan the all out road trip where one is allowed to pull over and enjoy the sites, shoot dumb photos, and eat ice cream from every county you've never heard of or not go at all! It's either that or wait to take a supposed "vacation" until I've been out of school a bit. It truly just felt like an extension of school. Bad, bad, and more bad.

But, onto greener subjects. Like last night, where I mentioned to my love that I feel like today was the really the first day of being on vacation. Now, I may be the only soul to be able to still be working and feel that way, but trust me I do.

You know the vacation feeling I speak of; sleeping in, or getting up early to catch the first tour of a museum you've wanted to see your entire life, being able to drink your coffee slowly and savor it, wearing bed head all day if you feel like it, not having to match your clothes (at least not perfectly) , or just plain old wearing nothing but a swim suit all damn day! Are you there yet??? Do you get the idea, the "vakay" yummy memories I'm craving and FINALLY ensconced in?

While I may only have the day off the thing is this, the day is mine. By this I mean, to do whatever I please or not do....OMG, what a concept. Truly I have not felt like this in months (count back three quarters to last September before 3 quarters of science torture and one professor who should be committed).

It's 11:13 am. I am sitting here in my robe. I just polished off a bowl of dripping, sweet pineapple with a bit of shredded coconut and a sprinkle of toasted walnuts. Delicious! I got out of bed sometime around 9:40 am. I listened to the ladies on the View and now I have Rhapsody playing "soft hits, (whatever!) so I can sing along.

I could get up and make some coffee. I could post my books for sale on-line. I could sit and browse and catch up on all my favorite on-line sites all afternoon. I could go out and collect the ingredients for a meal I'm planning for dinner. But, here in is where the vacation mode lies at its truest...I could. But. I. Do. Not. Have. To.

Yeah, for finally hitting the vacation mode!

The Places We Go

2010-06-19T10:40:00.001-07:00

to get where we want to be.

I type this as I am sitting on the floor of my friend Jer and Bob's office. The ceiling fan circling rapidly and air set at a nice 73 degrees. Jer needs a quick nap so we can carry on with the rest of our day and I am happy to oblige him. He works hard. I work hard. Time out is a wonderful thing.

I arrived in Georgia yesterday morning at 6: 20 am. What struck me on my way here is all the things we go through, maneuver around, plan for in order to spend time with the people we love. I could almost here the orchestra playing, and it began when...

...I just couldn't get focused or organized to finish packing an hour before I had to leave. (Hear slow, rhythmic strings playing as if continuous waves were rolling). Yes, I kept walking around looking in drawers, closets, etc...but I just couldn't quite figure out what to bring and what to leave behind at home. I think it was mainly due to the fact I was trying to pack light (amazing, for me!) and only take one bag. In the end, this idea was abandoned since I had to pay to check my bag, why not take a big one and just have spare room (shopping intended!).

(Hear the strings start to pick up pace, now!) It's not only 7:00 pm but past it and I need to get on the road. So, I casually dump (I could say place, but I'd be lying) all my packing to the big suitcase and April takes the bag out to the car. Heavy strings, quickly chirping with a big othello sound among them at this point).

April has a wicked cold and taking 2 hours to drive me to the airport and back seems like too much so I drive. Luckily for us, her cousins live a mere 4 blocks from the airport so I can park there and leave my car. The plan is to call a cab to drive me over since they are not home.

My big ol' bag loaded in the front seat, we hug for a long time (given the circumstances) (drums start to beat, now adding more pressure to the soundtrack). Love assured, I hop into my car and take head away for the 5 freeway. (Back to strings, with quick but rhythmic sounds).

I then proceed to break the newly passed law and dial the cab company on my cell phone. Static ridden connection and all I arrange for a cab driver to meet me at Jim and Alda's in less than one hour. (Here music take on a festive, joker like laughter.) I am not certain I will be there by then, but I am hopeful. Traffic and conditions be damned, I am determined to make it. I hang up and zoom along, wondering all the while if I will get to 33rd Avenue by 8:15pm. It feels good to let my car zip along, traffic is sparse. Less than two miles down the highway and there sits a Mr. Highway Patrol. (Hear cymbals banging and clanging!!) SLOW DOWN, I cannot get a speeding ticket every time I go on vacation!! Like a resigned old woman, I set the cruise control for 65mph, and relax. (Back to strings with light piano.)

I decide to take the 405 rather than stay on the 5 because one never knows if you will hit downtown traffic. I opt for what seems like the long way around but is not, it actually shaves time off my drive. As I get closer to their house, it is 8:04. (Piano starts a quicker rhythm, with high notes.) I am not off the freeway yet...should I call the cab company? No!! (More clanging with the symbols). I decide to just go for it! I zoom off the freeway, down International Blvd., take a quick left up to their neighborhood and left on 33rd Avenue. I am there with minutes to spare. (Victory strings, piano, and orchestra at full throttle, heard now!)

Just as I go to open my car door I see the taxi cab in my rear view mirror. I laugh. Perfect timing, he pulls up as I take my bags to the curb and lock up my car. Thank goodness for the kindness of family. Short term parking was $130 plus.

The cab driver places my big ol' bag in the trunk and we head towards the airport. With his heavy Nigerian accent he asks me if I have change. I finally figure out he is trying to tell me his changed his pants (why, in the middle of the day??) and forgot to transfer his cash. No, I brought all twenties. We stop at the corner where he rolls down the window. He asks the big, bulky Russian men in shining suits for change. They practically ignore him, so I pipe up. Even if they did have change for a twenty, they shake their heads no to us. I later ask April why they are all there standing out doors at the end of a residential block, they own the limo company that is on the corner, she explained.

We fly down the hill and pull into the gas station where he quickly gets change. (Strings and orchestra are at a nice pace, not frantic but still pushing and present.) As we pull into the departure area I remind him that Delta is at the very end (since he is driving slowly and I am still not quite on time.) He disagrees, and keeps looking. I sigh, and just decide I will be patient. We arrive at the curb (happy, giddy strings and obo for effect!). My phone rings and it is Jer. I pay the cab driver and head into the airport.

I fumble along with my great big bag and small duffel carry on where I find my way to the kiosk and check myself in for the flight. A nice Delta agent awaits me to help me check my bag, and as planned, it weighs in light. (Light, happy cymbals clang!). She asks to see my license, where she immediately comments, "You cut off all your hair!" I am surprised she doesn't comment on the fact that is no longer all blond either! I smile and tell her I did, I love it! It is easy as can be (4 minutes at most to get ready) (hear strings like chirping crickets as we chat back and forth). She tags up my bag and wishes me a safe flight.

From there I head to "security". (Hear deep dark resonating othello and drums together.) You know the place where the TSA makes sure I have not Mc Givered a bomb out of my tube of Loreal' lip gloss or visine! That I make it through the face matches the id, matches the ticket, okay you pass now move ahead please line. The line it long, but I've seen it much longer. I pass through and head my way toward the "partially undress and pack all your belongings in this bucket for us to x-ray line." As I stand there, and older (what my fight attendant friends call a dinosaur) flight attendant barges ahead of me and grabs a bucket, she quickly looks at me, and after making the decision I wouldn't protest places her gear (three bags, a purse, shoes, pillow, computer, etc..) in the buckets ahead of me. Prior to this I had asked if she was on her way to work which she had replied not only with a yes, but a yes, and I am late as usual. So, without any fuss let her in line ahead of me. Because in my mind, I am officially on vacation!!!

It takes us some time to get through this final inspection area (hear quite strings now, and no obvious beats because I am officially mentally on vacation) since there is a woman who cannot seem to pass through the gate without setting off the beeper. I get through and leave as she is taking her fourth trip through with tears in her eyes and becoming very visibly upset.

I head off for parts unknown. The S gate seems to be located in what once was the dungeon of the airport. I turn back and get bottled water and earplugs before taking the underground escalator and following tram to said S gate. There is some excitement on-going with the airport security and they block off the section I am in and the one I am headed to in order to board the tram. (Music is more for her now, but excited strings with the sounds of questioning by one lone violin.) In less than 10 minutes the security breach is resolved and we are allowed to enter the escalator down to the under ground train to the S gate.

The orchestra is now at an ending creshindo, where every instrument is playing along to the final scene...

The train takes me to the waiting area, to the S gate, through the temporary tunnels to board the plane, to the eventual boarding of the place, to get my seat, to sit on the tarmac for an hour (wow, Delta), and eventually mid marital argument between the couple to my left, we take off. We are in flight. I am excited, relived, and happy. I am heading to Georgia to see my dearest friend in the world.

The Sorticulture Event June 2010

2010-06-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'd show you the picture April took of the two of us but I swear I look like I'm going to cry or she is pinching me...so instead enjoy the color and fun!! At least we had some sunshine, even if it was windy!

Mom's Right

2010-06-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today, I feel like a steam roller ran me over, and actually I've been feeling this way off and on since last Wednesday. (Final Day at school.)

Yes, I've been working out pretty much five days a week. Yes, I've been sleeping. But still, somewhat simply ~ worn out!!!

Want to blog, of course, but been too busy since then or tired! Plus we are looking for a new place to live, this requires time. Working, ah yeah, I have to be there to do it!

Leave tomorrow night for Georgia to visit my BFF until Tuesday. We can sit, laugh, re-connect and hopefully I can recharge a bit.

Waiting for summer to show up at least for a few days in a row! It just keeps raining, raining, and raining but not your typical rain. Thunder, lighting, and humidity. Strange, weird, and not like the Pacific North West at all. Al Gore may live to see the day he can say, "I told ya so!" It sure seems that way to me.

Anyways, that is a quick update...I'm off. Flying on behalf of Jer n Bob's frequent flyer miles (woot for free flying!) and to enjoy a few days off of life!

Just a Quickie

2010-06-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

Really, I should be totally studying. I have another major exam in less than 3 hours, but I just have to say this.

Thank you to all my friends that have just, "lost it," over these last couple of years. You see some weeks back, I was feeling very overwhelmed. Very. Very, so very.

My boss was being his usual self and I was quite worried about my state of employment. My head was spinning because this damn program I've picked to enter at school is CHALLENGING. It's not the dean's list, easy peasy as before for me with these science classes. April was just being April (you know, love means having a relationship = time, attention, etc..) and truly I was starting to feel quite ragged. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

And then, something clicked. I realized I didn't want to be the next one who's girl was carted off to the ward or jail cell. Sad to say, but it's true. It really got my attention.

I decided it was time to start over for me. I began exercising. Not only do I feel better, my attitude is better, I'm SLEEPING (now that is a miracle!), and my clothes are getting looser. I also decided to start eating right and actually dieting. Yes, I did say it, diet. I just need to feel better for me.

And you know what, even though I should be studying, I know it will be okay. This test may be the one that is the toughest but I am in an okay enough place grade wise and mentally that I think I will be able to pull off a solid B and still type this blog up. Ta-da. She is multi-capable. (Yeah, me.)

Honestly, sometimes things happen and we don't understand why. Maybe these people were in my life just for this purpose. They have suffered but their pain has saved me. It's not often we can learn from the mistakes of others, usually I must do it for myself. But, today I am grateful for having paid attention before things got worse.

BTW, I feel good. Can you tell?

Withdrawal

2010-05-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

Occasionally, I need to withdrawal from the living, speaking, needing, functioning of others. I mean I still have a bird with needs and demands not to mention the cats who all like to compete with the bird for attention.

Don't get me wrong, mostly I love people. They make me laugh. They are often kind and thoughtful. They are always funny to watch, some of us more so than others. I especially like the little version of us. So sweet and pure and real. Like the one that was in the high chair last week and each time I walked up to the table to serve his family he proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs in an aggressive manner. I did not enjoy that little version of us so much.

But seriously, I would say I am a "people" person. But, I find as I get older I need time away from the human race. I'm going to assume my need has increased due to my current employment. Waitressing does not bode well for seeing the best in people.

Even though I have the day away from the restaurant today, I still have obligations. Getting my hair done means listening to the very overly dramatic man who works next to my stylist. Driving there means dealing with humanity on the road. It means I need to be courteous and let others merge and such. Studying means finding the area of the library that perhaps may be quiet. You get the idea. Wherever we go, we are there. In all our humanness, each one of us.

Only today I rather be a puppy or a kitty and just look for friendly playmates who want to tussle then cuddle up and nap. No humanness required.

The Voice of My Thighs

2010-05-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

So, if you read along you know I have finally surrendered and am trying to get my health and weight back on track.

For me, that means exercise. Yes, the joyous occasion where you dress accordingly, move around a lot, sweat, and then do it again, tomorrow. Oh the joy of it. Now while I've never really enjoyed exercising, I do love the way I feel afterwards. Not to mention the energy it gives me and the results it produces. Today, instead of walking I decided to do some Wii.

Okay, the Wii has a voice that guides you, encourages you, and gives criticism ~ in the nicest way possible. Once I was warmed up, the squats began. About half way through the set I hear, "Your thighs will thank you later for this."

For some reason, that just struck me as funny today.It made me laugh. I began to ponder all the things we do to ourselves that impact our bodies. And just what our bodies (and its parts) would say to us while we are effecting it.

Venti, white mocha, quad shot, extra sweet...can you hear your bodies response? Your heart, "Hey thanks for speeding me up!" Your adrenal glands, "Yeah, me too!" Your esophagus, "Look out here comes the heartburn." Not to mention, your waistline, "What, are you kidding me, were going up in size again!"

And yes, someday I do hope my thighs thank me. Thank me very much.

Crazy Diet People

2010-05-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

One of the things I hate about dieting is that it feels like my life takes on this turn and right before my very eyes I turn into one of those "crazy diet" people. You know who I am talking about, they write books, talk insessently about what they ate down to the last detail, and let you know how much they have been exercising.

I only know this from experience. In my own life, every time I have had successful weight loss I have become one of them!!! Ah, and now that I feel committed, not too mention a sense of surrender I dread she's coming back. Why, you ask? Well, for one I spent actual time on my lap top looking up calories and fat count for eggs with and without egg whites (entire egg not always the best choice when limiting fat). She there she goes adding a comment to advise on diet!! Ahh! But truly, I need to start keeping track of what I eat. Honestly, my eating can run completely out of control in no time. Did you watch Daris on Biggest Loser last night? I mean the guy has busted his ass for 5 months (lost over a 100 pounds, who does that in 5 months???), and his "crazy diet" person within totally lost it. What, running all day and staying up binging all night??? Me to a lesser extreme, and without the amazing weight loss prior.

Like him, I handle stress and emotions with food. I always have, perhaps I won't always but I am aware it is my crutch if you will. Much like the alcoholic, drug at addict, and drama queen it's where I go when in pain.

Yes, I am thinking of starting a separate blog to find support and encouragement for weight loss on line. Yes, if you are interested I will let you know. Right now, just writing about it daily and and storing it away somewhere private.

I don't want to be bore you with the details. Some of you (most of you) actually have normal eating habits, lucky you.

How do I find a way to do this without driving myself nuts and everyone around me? I don't see the way but I know damn well this old adage...where there is a will, there is a way!

That Said...

2010-05-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

So, what is out of your comfort zone? What new things are you willing to try? What things can I do to get out of my own comfort zone? Would taking those steps lead to success, finding out something new about myself, or a new passion? Made me think, how about you?

Thanks to...

2010-05-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

a few people in my daily life and one in my blog life (I don't even think we've officially met, except for FB) I have to say, well, I feel inspired.

For what, you might ask??? Take on something new, another commitment, more to focus upon? Well, yes in a round about way I suppose so, but here's the rub. The Anti-Jared Blog and my co-worker Sarah have brought me back around to something...I NEED TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

You know, I could make a list of all the reasons why. Though for the most part, they are pretty obvious. I look at myself in the mirror or try to wear something I wore just last year and I hate the way it looks on me today. Of course, health, history, stamina, and all that jazz. Not to mention the category I've been in officially for sometime at the official doctor's office. OBESE. Just sounds bad.

Here's what I think. God puts people in your life for a reason. At a certain time, in a certain place, and a certain way. I have watched Sarah loose 50 pounds since February and she is rockin' it. Yes, she has had some tough days but overall I think she would be the first to tell you she feels awesome.

I found this blog http://theantijared.blogspot.com/ among some others I really enjoy. But, for the first time in a very long time, I feel somewhat inspired. Maybe it's him loosing over 200 pounds (holy crap!). Maybe it's Sarah and seeing her everyday and recalling how good it feels to loose the weight. I don't know, I just know it's time to get at it again.

And yes, tomorrow is Monday. Let'er rip and let's see how I do! And yes, I do have a plan of attack!

Oh and NO, that is not me in the photo only what I fear I'm veering way to close too these days.

Just When

2010-05-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

I thought there was some light at the end of the tunnel the another train came barreling through and ran me down.

Seriously, why are the women at the admissions desk so, uh you know, absolutely dreadful. So, I go skipping up to the desk today wondering why I couldn't register for my fall Physics class. Since it has happened before that I actually have the prereq's they just don't show on this colleges end. So, I figured this was the same as before but nnnnoooooooooo!

Wrong! After so unkindly pointing out to me that I had a choice of 3 math courses I needed to take before I could get into Physics (all trigonometry/pre-calcus related I might add) she dismissed me. WHAT??? WHAT????WTF??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME I HAVE MORE, MORE, MORE MATH REQUIREMENTS TO TAKE?

Ok, so I freaked out for the rest of the afternoon. No kidding, I did. Because what it means is this, more time before I can enter the program. More money. And, it adds more time to the time where I feel like I have no life! Yes, NO LIFE! AND HONESTLY, TODAY I AM SICK AND TIRED OF NOT HAVING ONE.OF TAKING SO MUCH TIME AWAY FROM MY RELATIONSHIP. OF BEING BROKE. OF NOT BEING ABLE TO AFFORD TO TRAVEL AND SEE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS. OF DRIVING MY POOR BEAT UP CAR. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Can you tell I am in need of summer break? Oh, summer, sweet summer you can not get here soon enough.

Delay

2010-05-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

So, most of you know because of Facebook I did it. I had my hair all cut off! Now, while I like it, part of me thinks I've lost my mind. My long hair looked so good, felt so sexy, and yet. It was just time for a change. It was, it was. I was tired of being sweaty pony tail girl 5 days a week (work look). I just felt old and ugly with my hair like that. Now, not so much.

Wow, I Feel Old This Morning

2010-05-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

For some reason there are days when I wake up and just feel old. I ache. My head is all stuffy. I need my glasses to see three feet away from my own face. My motivation level has gone missing...but I also know this; given a good nights sleep, or a long walk, or an hour with my sweetheart those weary feelings disappear.

What's your key to feeling young, vital, and alive? Do share...

p.s. I'm sitting crossed legged on the couch as I write this post. Our silly bird is wandering around on the couch keeping me company. He is now trying to clean my big toenail. Did I mention laughter helps as well???

Will She or Won't She

2010-04-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

I'm in the mood to chop off all my hair. Yes, it's longer than I've had it in years. While it makes me feel incredibly sexy, it also makes me feel out of style. In fact, today I wore it up (which I do at work because the restaurant is always too warm) and someone told me I looked grandmotherish. Ha! Glasses, hair up, see what happens??? Even if I am old enough to be one it's funny to hear that I look like one.

So, I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a new hairdresser that is not only close to home but comes highly recommended. Sadly, she does not have time for the full fix (cut, color, etc...) but it will feel so good just to get it cut!

I never used to get so attached to my hair, in fact I used to change it often. But not anymore...guess I'll figure it out tomorrow!!!

Say What You Will

2010-04-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

but I kinda like learning all this science, geeky stuff. Yes, 10 weeks is an absolute maddening amount of time to try to do it in, of course. But, really its cool. Our body is an amazing and wonderful thing, that still has much of it left to be discovered ~ or at least the inner workings of it. Did you know that?

I never knew I'd go to school and find my inner geek, but I have and I kind of like her.

More Spring!!!

2010-04-24T19:48:00.001-07:00

Looks Like A Duck...

2010-04-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

You know the old saying. If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, walks like a duck, then it's probably a duck.

I just happened to notice today's date when I looked at my post for the day.I actually laughed aloud. In order to remain polite and respectful, I will just say that today was the day I walked down the aisle to a big, fat duck and married him.

I also divorced him and it was one of the smartest things I've ever done.

I took a huge leap of faith into the arms of someone who truly loves me and never looked back.

And, she is no duck. Lucky me.

Old Shoes

2010-04-21T10:53:00.001-07:00

I just love this ink and paper. I have a thing for pictures of old shoes, or well loved shoes as I like to think of them. Kids shoes, work boots, dancing shoes, just love em'. These were done by artist Honor Bradbeer. You can go to her site at http://www.honorbradbeer.com/.

I Miss My Blog

2010-04-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

I find it very therapeutic to write. I love to read as well. I have my daily blog roll I check, almost like your daily newspaper if you will.

Right now, my attention is entirely directed on my studies. Leaving very little left over for everything else. I'm tired, not sleeping (falling asleep around 3:30 am or so and sleeping until 9am does not constitute good sleep for me) especially when I have landed in bed at 8:30pm and was tired. Yes I might fall asleep, but good luck staying there. Ah, yes I'm gripping.

But, I do miss blogging. Tremendously. I miss taking photos to post here, I just may have to carve out an hour tomorrow to "play."

Otherwise, I may have to go in search of my sanity.

A-S-S-U-M-E

2010-04-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

We all remember the famous explantion from the Bad New Bears, about what happens when we assume, right?

Had a customer yesterday who INSISTED his i-phone was on the table, and then it wasn't. Okay, so I have a wicked visual memory and trust me when I tell you it WAS NOT on his plate that I cleared. Or on that table anywhere else, after they got up and left. If it had been, standard policy, grab it and run like hell to the parking lot to get it back to the patron, espically since I knew they were visiting from Raleigh.

But, noooooooooooooo, he insisted it was on the table. Gloves went on, trash digging, in the grossest most gag me kitchen trash ensued. Gag, gag, gag...even though I knew it was not there, Mrs. Owner insisted. Looked in the bar trash. Piece by piece. He is walking around, calling it with Mrs. Insists phone. Nothing, it's on vibrate.

Manager who removed glasses, and wiped the table down also insisted it was NOT the table. He is starting to question...if someone could have "taken" it.

Can you see where my mind is heading, quickly towards pissed off and get the fuck out of here. No one on our staff would take it. Period.

Twenty minutes later, we are still trash sorting...can ya guess where it was? Did I get an, "Oh, I'm sorry I got so panicked, I don't have it insured????" or a "Sorry, I'm just far away from home?"

Nope. So in this case, the ass didn't assume, but he insisted. It was in one of his pockets.

Do you think adults get shaken baby syndrome? I would have loved to test the theory.

The Sciences Have Over Taken My Life, AGAIN!

2010-04-11T15:54:00.000-07:00

This is the 3rd quarter of science in a row for me. Micro Biology, Anatomy, now Physiology. Truly I feel like I have no spare time.

There are so many directions you have to hit this information from, just to make sure you have somewhat of a grasp on it, it truly leaves little time for anything else. Like the Chapter I'm in now, nerves, sensory neurons, how they process information (down to the nitty gritty). It's not bad stuff, it's just 40 some pages of it. It's not like reading 40 pages of Nora Roberts, trust me. It's reading, re-reading, high lighting answering the questions during the chapter, at the end of the chapter, checking your notes you took in class against the reading, doing the on-line practice quizzes, crossword puzzles, etc... I mean baby, it's a whole lotta learning. And the thing it requires most - you guessed it, time. (Oh, and concentration helps.)

So, while I feel like I've neglected the house, the pets, myself, April, my family, my blog, just know at least I am aware of it. Summer's coming....will it be soon enough???

JayCee ~ One Year Today

2010-04-07T01:22:00.001-07:00

Trend Warning

2010-04-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

For those of you who write a blog I'm sure you will understand exactly what I am talking about, for those of you who read my blog - I'm sure this has been quite oblivious for some time, I have not been too happy as of late. Which, for those of you who know me, hopefully think (as I do) that this is not the norm for me.

I generally view myself as optimistic, up-beat, easy to be around, and generally mostly happy. Sensitive yes, but moody no.

I was going through all my old blog posts tonight looking for a blog I had lost track of when my last lap top kicked the bucket. I just love reading it, Lorrane is an 80 something year old Grandmother living in Yakima, Washington. She tells of growing up on a farm and of times that are so different from today, her blog is refreshing to me. She also speaks of growing older, and I think she is quite funny. Anyways, I looked on blogspot and couldn't find it, googled it, couldn't find it so finally I decided to go through all my old posts, because I know she left me a comment on one of my posts. Needless to say, I found her blog.

http://petpeevesandotherrantings.blogspot.com/ Here is her blog, if you are so inclined.

But, sadly I noticed the TREND I have been living in and it is not good. My attitude is in the toilet. My health is not so great. My outlook rather poopie. Overall, what I see by my blog is I need to consider some overhauling of things to help me feel better. I think I must be at that point of surrender, because instead of staying up worrying about it all I want to do is sleep and when I am awake I have to admit, I have been either quite grumpy or just out-of-it. Neither state do I want to continue to embrace. I risk loosing too much, not to mention my own self respect.

I know certain things that work for me. Now, I have to make a plan/schedule/goals to get them into place and get going. I want to be the old, new improved me again, because truly way down deep life is better than it's been in a very long time.

Out-Of-Sorts

2010-04-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

Do you ever go through a time when you just don't feel like yourself? Yeah, you don't feel like yourself but you don't know who you do feel like? Well, that is where I am right now. I don't know if its because my break from class was just toooooooooooo short, or I am tired (perpetually, it seems), or my plate is full.

Truly, I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way but I do! I am not working that much (feel as if I need to work more) and school is not that hard (yes there is tons of reading required, but what else is new).

I just don't get it. It's not PMS (past that already). I feel like I need to check into the coma motel and just go under for a bit. Total relaxation, total sleep, and nothing, absolutely nothing to think about.

Call me strange, but today that sounds like the nicest vacation ever.

What do you call this???

2010-04-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

How is it that the people who ask for the most of you while dining at one of your tables, ALWAYS, and I repeat, ALWAYS tip the least.

It happens every, stinkin' time, I tell you. It's some weird universal waitressing law out there and shit howdy, would I like to see it end!

I haven't been working evenings much lately. Tonight I realized, I kinda don't mind. I forget that they are not our regulars, do not know the menu, do not know me, etc...Oh, and while you are taking 10 minutes to place your order because the 10 of you just can't make up your mind but don't want me to walk away ~ please know I HAVE 7 OTHER TABLES TO WAIT ON, ahem! Dear God, it's a burger and fish and chips joint, how hard can it be??? Hard, so very, very hard, I get it, but really?!

I know I sound bitter, but I'm not. It just makes me shake my head and say to myself, "Stay in school. Stay in school. Stay in school."

Easy but Not Really

2010-03-31T08:55:00.000-07:00

Even though I received my AA degree just 12years ago, much has changed with attending college since then.

For example, now you can register your textbooks on-line and are all kinds of quizzes, exams, diagrams, and extra lessons to help you succeed. You can take your computer to class if you like and just take notes on the power point program provided. I purchased a item called a "clicker" so I can take quizzes with the entire class (don't know why but these always make me nervous) from a the lecture screen. You can also record your instructor using a hand held device that requires no tapes, it's digital!!

Here is where the easy ended for me...this little device is so complicated I can't figure out how to program it. But, as evidenced from last quarter I totally need one (I tend to blank out in 3 hour lectures) because there is only so fast I can write notes. Yes, I got it to record and playback but that is all I have gotten it to do! Change the date, ha! Change the type of sensitivity, ha! Pick a new folder, ha! Okay, I give myself a week and then I'm selling this sucker for $50 bucks and seeing if I can find one for lunk heads (non-techies) like myself.